Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra

Radical love, resilient community, and never being discarded with Andy Izenson

I am so excited to replay this episode with Andy Izenson.

When it first aired, I received loads of emails as a response, and since I'm taking this week off to tend to me, it felt like a beautiful offering to tide you over until next week.

I first saw Andy speak several years ago at a closing panel for Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, and I was in awe. You'll see why when you tune into our rich conversation.

After reaching out to Andy, asking if they'd like to talk about restorative and transformative justice as well as building resilient communities on the show, Andy also said they were thinking a lot about:

-- the way orthodoxies of capitalism and scarcity infuse polyamorous community// polyamory should be inherently anti-capitalist
-- the way the state is conspiring with your trauma
-- disposability and anxiety and the fiction of moral purity
-- resilience and bravery in sex and relationships
-- what even is masculinity anyway

RIGHT?!?!

So, on this week's show, we talk about alternative justice, healing, building resilient relationships and communities, letting go of the fantasy of safety and why there are no good people, plus, we explore the power of anger, question what even is masculinity, and feel moved that the kids really will be alright.

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, a new bonus is landing on Tuesday (so I can continue to take the weekend to rest). Listen and support the show at patreon.com/sgrpodcast

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, Andy and I talk about:

  • Andy’s take on restorative and transformative justice and how finding factors where the whole community can come together to heal is a form of radical love.
  • The ways we've been taught to believe in good versus bad, heroes versus villains, and why that feeds our hunger for punishment and violence. But punishment doesn't heal wounds or create strong communities, so what's the alternative?
  • The fantasy we have to let go of around punishment and banishment when someone does something harmful, and how safety is an illusion.
  • Why we can banish all the "abusers" from the island if we expect to have community.
  • Andy's definition for community and how we can start building that kind of fierce support in a tiny way.
  • The power of our anger, and what happens when the people in our life can hold that anger with us. We also talk about how damn resilient relationships become when we're can fuck up and know we won't be abandoned or discarded.
  • Cultivating resilience in interpersonal relationships and communities.
  • Knowing how you want your community to be/look like and how it should be a space where you feel safe and supported.
  • The hard work around radical love and that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s actually really hard work
  • Masculinity: What it would be like if it was not toxic and infused with violent misogyny? What even is masculinity?
  • Imagining a world that just accepts us as who we are and who we want to be, opens the question of whether or not we’ll have a different language for what we have now?
  • The excitement and the honest truth that the kids are alright. They will be. Period.

About Andy Izenson:

Andy Izenson is an attorney with Diana Adams Law & Mediation, PLLC, and is a collaborative practitioner, mediator, and passionate advocate, working to reframe conflict through a compassionate and transformative lens. As a member of the National LGBT Bar Association’s Family Law Institute and the National Lawyers Guild NYC Chapter Executive Committee, Andy is tirelessly committed to support for queer community and families as well as to a radical, anti-assimilationist politic.

You can find Andy on Twitter @AndyEyeballs, join the Diana Adams Law newsletter, or email Andy about speaking at your institution at andy.izenson at gmail dot com.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_221a.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:26pm EST

tl;dr Why coming forward about sexual assault doesn't "ruin" lives, what to do when you're deeply ashamed of masturbation, & does loving penises make a straight man gay? 

News!

  1. The October Cohort of my 5-week online course, Power in Pleasure, is enrolling NOW. We kick off Sunday, October 14th and it's going to be amazing. Learn more and enroll here: dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse (it costs as much as a single coaching session but includes six live calls and five weeks of daily emails bursting with powerful prompts and questions). Join us!

This week, it's me and you!

First up, I share a fascinating and crucial thread by Nicole Bedera on why rape allegations do not "ruin" lives. Grab the link to read it and share it here.

This is such a relevant conversation, and pairs perfectly with an awesome post that made the rounds this week by Jennifer Michelle Greenberg. You can check it out along with my thoughts here.

In short, speaking your truth about abuse and harm does not ruin lives and we all have a responsibility to take more action around instances of harm. This is not an individual problem but a communal and collective one.

Then, I field your emails.

Libby wanted to share some feedback and thanks, which felt amazing to receive.

From Help Me to Help Myself wrote in because they feel extreme shame around masturbating and don't know what to do. They experienced abuse and were raised in a very sex negative and Christian household, so masturbation feels complicated. How can they change their relationship with self-pleasure?

Finally, Brian is worried his fetish means something about his sexuality. You see, he is straight, but he has a fetish for penises and semen, especially around performing oral on a trans person. So what does it all mean and where did this come from?

I do a deep dive into genitals, identity, and sexuality. I also want all of us to check out three articles about sex with trans women. Head to dawnserra.com/ep279 for those links.

Finally, Patrons, this week's bonus will be a short reading and meditation with some journal prompts about masturbation and our pleasure stories. If you support the show at $3 per month, you can get access at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. If you want to help me answer listener questions, the $5 level is for you. Your support means so much!

Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above!  

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Coming soon at dawnserra.com/ep279

Direct download: Episode_279.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:12pm EST

It smells like man and cow, and it's hot as hell.

Dawn & Dylan hit the Mid Atlantic Leather conference in Washington, DC. Ready for a complete, and VERY kinky, run down of everything we saw?

Let's talk sadism, spanking, leather, dildos, and hundreds of sweaty, gay men.

For more information about Mid Atlantic Leather, visit leatherweekend.com

In this episode, Dawn & Dylan:

  • Talk about all the things they saw at Mid Atlantic Leather.
  • Laugh over the smell of all that leather and man ass.
  • Watch a sadistic display and fondle some dildos.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real:

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Use the player at the top of this page.
  5. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".

You know we love hearing from you, so here's how to reach us

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Email: info@dawnserra.com

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Category:general -- posted at: 12:35pm EST


Anne Hodder-Shipp joins us to talk sex ed, entitlement in relationships, and sex after recovery and while sober.

News!

  1. If you could use some support around your relationship to your body, to pleasure, to sex and desire, I have a few spots available for in-person coaching in Vancouver and in my online virtual practice. Check out the Work With Me page for details.
  2. Patreon supporters - Anne and I spent some time recording a special bonus chat for you all about dream work and sex dreams. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to hear. If you don't yet support the show, $3 per month gets you weekly bonus content you can't find anywhere else.

This week, I'm joined by Anne Hodder-Shipp, an experienced and no bullshit sex educator who does incredible work on the front lines of sex education and behind-the-scenes helping with the marketing and promotion of many popular brands you likely know.

We dive into the importance of authenticity in dating and relationships, why being in a relationship does not entitle you to your partner's body and the steps you can take if you've behaved that way in the past, Anne's awesome new sex education certification program through EDSE (there's a new course in November - if you're interested, SIGN-UP NOW!), and the complexities of sex when you're in recovery or newly sober.

Anne also shares how natural dreamwork, a way to get in touch with your emotions, helped her doing some healing work.

Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above!  

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Anne Hodder-Shipp:

Anne Hodder-Shipp, ACS, (she/her) is a multi-certified sex and relationships educator with professional training in breathwork and holistic dreamwork. She boasts a unique understanding of age-appropriate sex education, trauma-informed healing, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence, and she brings a fun, friendly and sex-positive facilitation style to every session, group or event she hosts. Utilizing a non-judgmental and no-b.s. approach, Anne happily helps clients of all ages, experience levels and lifestyles heal, learn and grow. In addition to her private practice and public workshops, Anne is the founder of and lead educator at Everyone Deserves Sex Education (EDSE), and also leads treatment groups for clients recovering from substance use disorder, eating disorders, compulsive sexual behavior and other stigmatized illnesses.

Private practice: https://annehoddershipp.com
EDSE Certification: 
https://everyonedeservessexed.com/certification
Instagram + Twitter: @theannehodder

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Head to dawnserra.com/ep278 for the transcript.

Direct download: Episode_278.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

tl;dr Anne Hodder-Shipp joins us to talk sex ed, entitlement in relationships, and sex after recovery and while sober.  

News!

  1. If you could use some support around your relationship to your body, to pleasure, to sex and desire, I have a few spots available for in-person coaching in Vancouver and in my online virtual practice. Check out the Work With Me page for details.
  2. Patreon supporters - Anne and I spent some time recording a special bonus chat for you all about dream work and sex dreams. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to hear. If you don't yet support the show, $3 per month gets you weekly bonus content you can't find anywhere else.

This week, I'm joined by Anne Hodder-Shipp, an experienced and no bullshit sex educator who does incredible work on the front lines of sex education and behind-the-scenes helping with the marketing and promotion of many popular brands you likely know.

We dive into the importance of authenticity in dating and relationships, why being in a relationship does not entitle you to your partner's body and the steps you can take if you've behaved that way in the past, Anne's awesome new sex education certification program through EDSE (there's a new course in November - if you're interested, SIGN-UP NOW!), and the complexities of sex when you're in recovery or newly sober.

Anne also shares how natural dreamwork, a way to get in touch with your emotions, helped her doing some healing work.

Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above!  

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Anne Hodder-Shipp:

Anne Hodder-Shipp, ACS, (she/her) is a multi-certified sex and relationships educator with professional training in breathwork and holistic dreamwork. She boasts a unique understanding of age-appropriate sex education, trauma-informed healing, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence, and she brings a fun, friendly and sex-positive facilitation style to every session, group or event she hosts. Utilizing a non-judgmental and no-b.s. approach, Anne happily helps clients of all ages, experience levels and lifestyles heal, learn and grow. In addition to her private practice and public workshops, Anne is the founder of and lead educator at Everyone Deserves Sex Education (EDSE), and also leads treatment groups for clients recovering from substance use disorder, eating disorders, compulsive sexual behavior and other stigmatized illnesses.

Private practice: https://annehoddershipp.com
EDSE Certification: 
https://everyonedeservessexed.com/certification
Instagram + Twitter: @theannehodder

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Coming soon

Category:general -- posted at: 6:46pm EST

tl;dr
Creating community memories of abuse, why giving advice is a double-edged sword, attending ACA meetings, and wanting to cuckquean when you have trauma and no body confidence.
 
News!
  1. Save 40% off your first subscription with LOLA and your pads, tampons, wipes, condoms, and more can be discreetly delivered right to your door on YOUR schedule. They are generously sponsoring this episode. Listeners save 40% when they go to mylola.com and use promo code SGR at checkout.
First up, I want your questions! I zoomed through so many of your amazing stories and emails this summer, that I'd love to hear more from you as I line up the podcast for the fall.
 
Where are you struggling around sex, love, pleasure, and bodies? What would you love to know more about? How can I support you around the places that feel tender and confusing?
 
Email me at info at sexgetsreal dot com or using the contact form which is linked at the top of the page.
 
This week we kick off by exploring a few interesting posts I came across.
 
One that's a few years old by Ferrett Steinmetz on the dangers of giving advice. Grab the link at sexgetsreal.com/ep277.
 
Another is this amazing community memory that's meant to help a DC antifacist activist community remember some harmful behavior one particular individual has been engaging in. Is there potential for other communities to create similar memories as a way to foster accountability and change? Check out the piece and share it widely by heading to sexgetsreal.com/ep277.
 
We are diving into two questions this week.
 
The first is Ana Banana who wants to know what I think of going to ACA meetings (Adult Children of Alcoholics).
 
I explore the power of community to heal and also some of the dangers of placing all the blame on individuals.
 
Next is a question from Confused Quean on how to be a cuckquean while having deep body trauma and self-image issues. I posed this question to Patreon, and a few folks help share their ideas and perspective.
 
Did you know you can support the show? Every single dollar means so much, and if you'd like to toss a few my way to help keep the show going, head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast.
 
If you support at $3 and above each month, you get exclusive weekly content you can't find anywhere else and if you support at $5 per month and above, you can help me answer listener questions.
 
Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above!
 

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Use the player at the top of this page.
  2. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  3. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

 

Episode Transcript

Coming soon at sexgetsreal.com/ep277
Direct download: Episode_277.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

News!

  1. I am on episode 4.2 of the Secret Feminist Agenda podcast. Tune in as I talk all about the Sex Gets Real podcast, how I got into this work, and much more.
  2. Save 40% off your first subscription with LOLA and your pads, tampons, wipes, condoms, and more can be discreetly delivered right to your door on YOUR schedule. They are generously sponsoring this episode. Listeners save 40% when they go to mylola.com and use promo code SGR at checkout.

First up, I want your questions! I zoomed through so many of your amazing stories and emails this summer, that I'd love to hear more from you as I line up the podcast for the fall.

Where are you struggling around sex, love, pleasure, and bodies? What would you love to know more about? How can I support you around the places that feel tender and confusing?

Email me at info at sexgetsreal dot com or using the contact form which is linked at the top of the page.

I'd also love more of your love notes about the ways people in  your life make you feel appreciated and loved. It's so sweet having these little rituals to share with everyone. Send yours over whether it's something a lover, spouse, friend, coworker, neighbor, child, or community member does. Love is love!

On to your emails.

Mare is struggling because she betrayed her partner. He didn't want to open their relationship and she did, so she betrayed their agreement and now things are terrible. She feels guilty and ashamed, and wants some thoughts on the whole situation.

Anonymous Girl has always considered herself to be straight, but she's getting bored of sex with men, and is starting to feel really curious about sex with people of other genders. Should she go for it? And how?

Finally, Sydney Faith Rose recently wrote something amazing about how many women are talking about their anxious attachment, but how maybe instead of seeing it as something to fix, it's instead a huge sign that there are very good reasons to be anxious right now.

I explore some of the limitations of attachment theory and offer some questions for us all to sit with.

Did you know you can support the show? Every single dollar means so much, and if you'd like to toss a few my way to help keep the show going, head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast.

If you support at $3 and above each month, you get exclusive weekly content you can't find anywhere else and if you support at $5 per month and above, you can help me answer listener questions.

This week there are TWO bonus episodes because last week's had an issue. One bonus is all about a partner who lied about getting STI testing done which has put their whole polycule at risk. The other bonus episode is about arousal and whether a desire to be penetrated or not is the sign of full arousal for a vulva owner.

Have questions of your own you'd like featured on the show? Send me a note!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives.

In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence.

It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Available at sexgetsreal.com/ep276

Direct download: Episode_276.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

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