Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Well, Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today

Body trust, queer identity, pleasure in a fat body, and losing attraction for a partner with Sarah Thompson

In a few days, I head to Portland for the ASDAH (Association for Size Diversity and Health) conference which will happen over my birthday weekend. The next few weeks will be all about body trust, rejecting diet culture, research around health at every size, celebration, and fat acceptance.

I could not be more tickled, especially because this week Sarah Thompson, the Resilient Fat Goddess, is joining us to talk about how everything changed for Sarah - access to pleasure, setting boundaries, shifting into new queer and non-binary identities - after doing body trust work with BeNourished.

Sarah and I initially connected because of a new blog post Sarah put out to partners who no longer find their partner's attractive, especially after that partner has rejected diet culture and moved towards body acceptance. You can read it here.

So, we talk all about bodies, why we never owe our partners sex or attractiveness, trust, fat identity, queer identity, and all the feelings that brings up.

Plus, before my chat with Sarah, you get to hear Patreon supporters' responses to two listener questions. That's right - advice from YOU, the podcast supporters. If you support the show at $5 and above, you get to weigh in and share your advice in response to listener questions that I post.

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, Sarah shares how a religious upbringing, growing up in a small town, dealing with fat bias, and living with an eating disorder kept Sarah from understanding their queer and non-binary identity until very recently.

Listen and support the show at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

This episode is generously brought to you by:

Huge thanks to Sex Gets Real sponsor of the week, TomboyX - gender-neutral, fat-inclusive, eco-friendly undies for all of us. Listeners get 15% off with code SEXGETSREAL.

About Sarah Thompson:

Sarah Thompson is an eating disorder recovery coach, consultant, and writer focused on body liberation, fat liberation, and body positivity. Sarah is a white, fat, queer, non-binary femme. Their writing combines ideas from a wide range of philosophies - Body Trust®, Health at Every Size®, Intuitive Eating, Fat Liberation, eating disorder recovery, harm reduction, and more. Being committed to helping others finding more freedom and compassion in their lives is what led them to become a Certified Body Trust Provider. They were also the co-creator of Do No Harm Podcast. Sarah is constantly wondering how they can contribute to healing, justice, and liberation in our world where there is constant suffering. They love working with people who are asking these same questions!

Stay in touch with Sarah at resilientfatgoddess.com and on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @rslntfatgoddess.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_222.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Well, Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today

Radical love, resilient community, and never being discarded with Andy Izenson

I am so excited by this week's chat with Andy Izenson. I first saw Andy speak several years ago at a closing panel for Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, and I was in awe. You'll see why when you tune into our rich conversation.

After reaching out to Andy, asking if they'd like to talk about restorative and transformative justice as well as building resilient communities on the show, Andy also said they were thinking a lot about:

-- the way orthodoxies of capitalism and scarcity infuse polyamorous community// polyamory should be inherently anti-capitalist
-- the way the state is conspiring with your trauma
-- disposability and anxiety and the fiction of moral purity
-- resilience and bravery in sex and relationships
-- what even is masculinity anyway

RIGHT?!?!

So, on this week's show, we talk about alternative justice, healing, building resilient relationships and communities, letting go of the fantasy of safety and why there are no good people, plus, we explore the power of anger, question what even is masculinity, and feel moved that the kids really will be alright.

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, Andy and I recorded a bonus chat all about polyamory and how capitalism infuses so much of how folks approach polyamory (especially lots of cis dudes). We talk about generosity and hierarchy and abundance, and why polyamory needs to be much more than just where you're getting your dick (or other bits) wet, as fun as that might be. Listen and support the show at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

This episode is generously brought to you by:

TomboyX - get 15% off your order at tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal with promo code SEXGETSREAL. And check out their drool-worthy Instagram.

Sugar Bear Hair - get your tasty hair vitamins at sugarbearhair.com/sgr

About Andy Izenson:

Andy Izenson is an attorney with Diana Adams Law & Mediation, PLLC, and is a collaborative practitioner, mediator, and passionate advocate, working to reframe conflict through a compassionate and transformative lens. As a member of the National LGBT Bar Association’s Family Law Institute and the National Lawyers Guild NYC Chapter Executive Committee, Andy is tirelessly committed to support for queer community and families as well as to a radical, anti-assimilationist politic.

You can find Andy on Twitter @AndyEyeballs, join the Diana Adams Law newsletter, or email Andy about speaking at your institution at andy.izenson at gmail dot com.

Direct download: Episode_221.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

Are you ready to sign up for Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop? Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

A passionate lover. Body trust. Trans sex woes. Self-harm scars.

Hello from Portland! I am here for BeNourished's Reclaiming Body Trust Intensive and it is hitting me hard. I'm still processing so much, and while I talk about the experience a bit this week on the show, I have some REALLY JUICY TIDBITS about trauma, bodies, trust, and healing in the Patreon bonus for the week. If you support the show at $3 and above, you get access to this truly special bonus and all the other bonuses, too. Check it out.

A huge thank you to the two generous sponsors of this week's episode:

TomboyX is gender-neutral, size-inclusive, eco-friendly undies and listeners get 15% off! How? Head to tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal and then use code SEXGETSREAL at check-out for 15% off. THIS COMPANY IS JOY. More please.

Sugar Bear Hair is a delicious hair vitamin that's vegetarian, packed with hair-healthy vitamins, and is allergen free. Want to check it out? Please do - it helps the show. Head to sugarbearhair.com/sgr.

So, what questions am I fielding this week?

PassionateLover shares a story of a new delicious lover who is pleasing her in the most unexpected and hot ways. Yay for folks in bigger bodies finding appreciative and generous lovers!

May has self-harm scars on her body and she wants to know when to bring it up with new partners and how. Is it a first date conversation? Is it something to hold off on? What if they realize she lied about more visible scars?

While I'm not a self-harm expert, I do have some thoughts about how May can tend to herself and be transparent when it feels good for her. Because we never owe someone our medical history and setting boundaries around that is OK.

Ellis has 99 problems and maybe being a transman is one of them. Why are the cis women Ellis is seeing not interested in penetration but then leave Ellis to be in a relationship with a cis dude? Is it bad luck? Is it something else?

Let's explore it.

Finally, Lala wants to know if I miss sleeping with women. Curious to know the answer? Tune in for more.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives.

In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence.

It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_220.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

Are you ready to sign up for Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop? Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

Intersex-inclusive language. Resentment in relationships. Questions from YOU!

I am loving answering your questions this summer, and I'm so glad I'm getting a chance to get caught up on the backlog.

Resentment is something that comes up a lot in my coaching practice. People tend to harbor all kinds of resentment without realizing it. A friend recently posted that whenever she feels resentment come up she asks herself, what aren't you saying? 

And it's true - resentment breeds in the spaces where we silence ourselves, where are aren't witnessed and understood or heard and validated. When you're tolerating something, it's the launching pad for resentment. As soon as we stop being generous towards the people in our life, as soon as the little things they've always done start to irritate us or we get passive aggressive, resentment has shown up.

I also wanted to share this AWESOME resource by Interact about intersex-inclusive language. I share a few excerpts on the show, but if you'd like the entire document you can find it here. I also recommend checking out 4intersex.org for more resources on intersex issues and inclusion. Intersex folks are as common as redheads, so we all need to level-up in this space.

Enrique wrote in wondering what cis means and asked for a definition. 

Anonymous wrote in because her boyfriend asks her every single day for anal sex, or at a minimum, hounds her for intercourse as soon as she gets home. The problem is anal sex hurts her badly, she experiences vaginal tearing when they have intercourse, and she wants to cry and avoid going home because of it all. They were each other's firsts and she feels broken. What can she do?

I have big thoughts and big feelings on this one because too many men treat their partners like sex vending machines that owe them access to their bodies in exchange for being in relationship with them. That has got to stop. Sex should never be painful (unless it's intentional and mutually agreed up). Our bodies should tear. We shouldn't fear sex. Lots of thoughts on this one.

Kate wrote in wanting help getting her husband to unpack his fatphobia. After many years together, all of which she's been in a fat body, he recently said some hurtful stuff about her fat body. She is super clear that her body is NOT the problem, which makes my  heart endlessly happy. But what can she do to help him work through the fat shaming?

Truthfully, I think the issue is not at all her body and that he's got something else going on he can't express. That said, we can't make folks change their stories no matter how much we want them to. He has to want it deeply for himself. Tune in for my suggestions for Kate, including Sarah Thompson's blog post which comes out in mid-July 2018 about this very topic. Check it out at resilientfatgoddess.com.

Patreon supporters - I got a new sexy consent game called Consentacle. It's about a human and a tentacled alien finding ways to build trust and engage in mutually satisfying sex. I tried it a few times and share my thoughts, plus a little excerpt from Dr. Lori Brotto's new book on mindfulness and women's desire. Tune in to this week's bonus (and all of the other weekly bonuses) at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal when you support at $3 and above!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.
 

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_219.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 3:41pm EST

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

Tender masculinity, condom expirations, and your questions answered.

I recently came across an article called "In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man" by terra loire. You know I adore examining the ways gender show up in pop culture and the stories it teaches all of us about how to live our lives - who is failing and who is succeeding. I really love this language around tender masculinity.

So, I share a few tidbits from the article, talk about cultural expectations of toxic masculinity, and invite YOU to share with me other examples of tender masculinity similar to Samwise Gamgee, Rumus Lupin, and Magic Mike XXL. YES, MAGIC MIKE XXL.

A recent conversation came up in my circle about condom expiration dates, and I thought it might be an important thing to share with you, so let's talk about expiration dates and proper condom handling. TREAT YOUR CONDOMS WITH CARE!

Then it's on to listener questions.

Artemis is a trans woman Domme who loves being penetrated, but her submissive just doesn't like doing the penetration because it doesn't feel submissive. What can Artemis do?

I share some thoughts, and recommend going through The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy with her sub to find some middle ground. Plus, Sinclair Sexsmith's Submissive's Playground online course is a must.

Kat wrote in because she keeps seeing people in porn get fucked in the ass and then immediately sucking on the cock that was in their ass. Is it safe? Should you really do that?

Anonymous can't stop fantasizing about pegging her partner, but he has said no. Does she live with the fantasy or does she take action and find a way to peg someone else?

Wonderer is having wonderful sex with a larger dude, and they are looking for more sexual positions that are big body friendly. I cannot recommend Elle Chase's "Curvy Girl Sex" highly enough, plus Hanne Blank's "Big, Big Love" as starting points.

Patreon supporters - This week we are exploring the cult of pussy eaters and how pussy eating is treated by so many men as a MUST DO when so few vulva owners actually get off that way. It stems from a conversation I had with a friend and it made me refer back to this awesome article about the horror of dudes who insist on eating you out. Hear my thoughts (and all of the other weekly bonuses) at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal when you support at $3 and above!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.
 

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_218.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 8:00am EST

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