Sex Gets Real: Talking Sex, Relationships, and Kink with Dawn Serra

This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Save 5% with code SGR5off.

It's Christmas Day! What better way to celebrate a holiday than with a sexy, fun chat with not one but TWO fellow sex educators? And from New Zealand, no less.

Kate McCombs and Louise Bourchier are here to help me answer questions from you about getting started with anal sex after a bad first experience, dealing with big emotions after losing your virginity, feeling sexually frustrated in a relationship after moving in with your boyfriend, the importance of empathy, and a whole lot more.

These two women are smart, kind, and endlessly fascinated in sexuality and communication. I adore them both.

Don't forget to check out the details about submitting your listener confessions because I want to hear from you.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Dawn's online anal course is here.

"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel

"When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life" by Sandra Pertot

"The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women" by Tristan Taormino

"The Ultimate Guide to Kink" by Tristan Taormino

"The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton

"Baby Got Back: Anal Erotica" by Rachel Kramer Bussel

"Enough to Make You Blush" by Princess Kali

Kink Academy for all those kinky how-to videos

About Louise Bourchier

Louise Bourchier, MPH knows sex. She presents workshops on sexual health, sexual pleasure and communication in relationships. Her focus is on the feel‐good aspects of sex, delivered with a healthy dash of humour. Equipped with a vulva puppet and anatomy diagrams, you can guarantee this is not the sex education you received in school. As a leading sex educator, Louise has taught over one hundred workshops to diverse adult audiences. She has presented at Sexpo Australia, spoken at universities including University of Sydney, University of Melbourne, and University of Auckland, as well as working with a wide range of professional and community groups. Louise has a Masters of Public Health, specialising in sexual health, from the University of Melbourne, and lives in Auckland, New Zealand.

You can find Louise at LouiseBourchier.com, and follow her on Twitter @louiselabouche and Instagram.

About Kate McCombs

Kate McCombs, MPH is a sex & relationships educator who’s geeky about empathy and connection.

Ultimately, all of her work is about helping people feel more comfortable talking about sex and feelings. She believes that meaningful conversations and accurate information can help us create a healthier and more joy-filled world.

To that end, she writes articles and facilitates workshops on how to build amazing relationships. You can find out more about Kate at KateMcCombs.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @katecom and on Instagram.

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Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

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Direct download: Episode_141.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Did you hear the announcement about listener confessions being part of the show? Visit sexgetsreal.com/ep140 to check out details, examples, suggestions, and how to get them to me. It's time to make you part of the show!

Rain DeGrey and I have been trying to make this interview happen for over 2 years, and it's FINALLY here. I thought it would be a perfect pre-holiday episode so everyone who is traveling for the holidays could have a fun little distraction.

As you'll hear, Rain does not hold back on all of the things she loves doing with her body when it comes to BDSM and exploring her edges. She loves intensity and pushing herself to the limit. There may be some things discussed in this episode that are a bit intense, so settle in and prepare yourself for talk of being buried alive, black eyes, injuries, wrestling, needing CPR, breath play, and much much more.

Plus, what it's like to have zero fucks to give and why more of us should stop worrying and start living.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Rain's tweet about Christian's wanting to fuck her.

About Rain DeGrey

Rain DeGrey is an international educator, writer, presenter and performer that has been teaching kink and sex education classes since 2009. After getting her start as a fetish model and Pro Domme, she was motivated to branch out into education, something she is extremely passionate about. Demystifying sexuality and presenting in a clear and humorous way are trademarks of her teaching style and she believes strongly in making sex education fun.

She has taught on a wide variety of topics at Harvard, Northwestern University, Kink.com, The Citadel, Pure Pleasures, Stormy Leather, Folsom Fringe, The Looking Glass, KinkAcadamy, PassionateU, Mission Control and Boundcon in Germany.

Her work has been featured in such places as Playboy TV’s “69 sexiest things to do before you die”, Seattle Erotic Arts Festival, The SF Fetish Ball, Exotic Erotic, Rope::Burn, Kink-e-zine and Femina Potens. Additionally, she is a regular contributor to multiple online magazines.

You can find Rain at RainDeGrey.com, as well as on Twitter, Facebook, and Fetlife as Rain DeGrey.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_140.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Save 5% with code SGR5off.

Did you hear the announcement about listener confessions being part of the show? Visit sexgetsreal.com/ep139 for all the details and guidelines.

I am so so so excited about hearing your voices and stories.

Anyway, back to this week's episode. I have a ton of listener emails in the queue, so I was happy to get to a few this week on munches and online handles, pubic hair trends, and finding a sex position therapist.

Plus, if your wife says she can get a bunch of sex toys for super cheap, does that mean they're bad? I weigh in on how to find affordable sex toys that are body safe.

Then, I chat with Lora Ivanova from myLAB Box, an at-home STI testing service for folks in the United States. She has soooooo much information on STIs, tests that doctors often miss, and ways to reduce stigma around something over 30% of us experience in our lives.

You can get 20% off STD and HIV test through myLAB Box until December 31, 2016 using code GIVETHANKS16.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About myLAB Box

myLAB Box is a first-of-its-kind service that delivers STD screening solutions to your doorstep allowing you to keep private things private. Best of all, you can enjoy FREE prescriptions without setting a foot outside if you ever test positive. Uncomplicate your life and get results with a click!

We’ve worked with some of the best experts in the U.S. to design a program that allows you to screen anytime and anywhere. Each test can be completed in less than 5 minutes (including reading the instructions) with no need to drive, schedule appointments or wait in line. We will remind you when it’s time to test again so you will never have to worry or keep track. And best of all, our revolutionary system is so affordable, you won’t believe you ever lived without it.

Check them out at mylabbox.com and follow them on Facebook.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

 

Direct download: Episode_139.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Save 5% with code SGR5off.

Content note: talk of suicide.

I always love when I get to have nuanced conversations about topics like sex work, porn, consent, and polyamory. So, when Kitty Stryker said she'd come on the show, I knew the discussion would be a gritty one.

Kitty is currently working on an anthology book all about creating consent culture that comes out in 2017. We dig into what that looks like and how she's centering marginalized voices.

Then we talk about what consent means within the context of capitalism and work. If you can't leave sex work because traditional employers won't hire former porn performers and you have to remain in sex work even if you're ready to leave, can you truly be consenting to the work? If we started focusing more on labor issues and capitalism, could we bridge the gap between anti-sex work feminists and pro-sex work feminists to find a common ground where nuance was encouraged?

Kitty also shares a personal story about suicide and how it ties into kink and poly communities. What does a community actually mean, anyway?

At the end of the hour, we field a question from a listener about polyamory and whether it's right for her.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Kitty's article "Porn Didn't Ruin Your Sex Life. Sorry."

"So Someone You Love is Suicidal" by Kitty can be read here, too.

The Five Love Languages

About Kitty Stryker

Kitty Stryker is a writer, activist, and authority on developing a consent culture in alternative communities. She was the founder of ConsentCulture.com, a website that ran for 4 years as a hub for LGBT/kinky/poly folks looking for a sex critical approach to relationships and which will be relaunched on 2017. Kitty also cofounded the artsy sexy party Kinky Salon London, as well as creating the award winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, the SF based kink party Whippersnappers, and acting as head of cosplay for queer gaming convention GaymerX.

Now working on "Ask: A Discussion of Consent Culture", an anthology through Thorntree Press coming out in 2017, Kitty tours internationally speaking at universities and conferences about feminism, sex work, body positivity, queer politics, and more. She lives in Oakland, California with her fiancee and two cats, Foucault and Nietzsche.

You can find Kitty at kittystryker.com, on Twitter @kittystryker, and on Facebook.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_138.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EDT

This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Use promo code SGR5off to save 5%!

Alex was the first person to ever share an Oh Joy Sex Toy comic with me. I was immediately enamored. Erika Moen's weekly sex education comic is full of so many wonderful topics, reviews, and done with such an approachable spirit. I've shared TONS of her stuff on social media because who doesn't love a comic about watersports featuring cute wolves or a fat-bodied review of the latest vibrator?

In this episode, Erika and I talk about how she got started as an artistic sex educator, and roll around in some of her favorite issues and guest artists.

We talk about visiting a porn set, why reviewing sex toys is so damn difficult, how sometimes you have to sacrifice nuance to get a conversation started, and pole dancing. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

StripSearch, the reality TV show Erika was on, can be found here.

The water sports comic on Oh Joy Sex Toy that Dawn loved.

About Erika Moen

Erika Moen is the co-writer and artist behind the creation of the strips.

She has been doing webcomics since she was 15 years old and has been a full-time, professional cartoonist and comic book creator at Helioscope Studio in Portland, OR since she was 25. She is a cisgender, white, able-bodied, queer lady who was born June, 1983 and has been happily married to Matthew Nolan since October 2008.

Her work has been published by Dark Horse Comics, Image Comics, Villard, BOOM! Studios, Penny Arcade and Scholastic, among others.

You can check out all her amazingness at OhJoySexToy.com, on Twitter @erikamoen, on Instagram, and support all her work at Patreon.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_137.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Hello, from Salt Lake City!

Thanks for all of the feedback on last week's episode, post-election. So many of you had so many thoughtful and kind things to say. I appreciate it more than you know.

This week, I field questions about sissification and being a masculine dude who loves feminine things, a gay guy who is having his first vulva sex in a few days, and a listener who is deeply ashamed of her vulva appearance.

What makes a super skilled sexual partner so good at sex? Why are gender norms so deeply ingrained in our experiences?

It's a fun week and I'm so glad to be rolling around in all of your questions and comments after a few weeks of chaos and moving.

Also, YOUR GENITALS ARE NORMAL AND AMAZING. I had to get that off my chest.

Make sure you're on the newsletter list, too, because I have some free online talks and a few workshops coming up.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Femalia by Joani Blank - a picture book of vulvas

What Privilege Really Means on EverydayFeminism.com

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_136.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 12:00pm EDT

What a week. Between moving from DC to Salt Lake City and the U.S. election, I've had so many big emotions and huge feels.

This week's episode is a little different. It's not everyday we have an election and a public response like the one that happened a few days ago. So, instead of a big interview or an hour of answer questions, this week is a short, vulnerable little note from me to you about the world we live in.

Specifically, how our sexual freedom and the way we love and do relationship is so deeply tied to racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, and all systems of oppression. (Shout out to Conner Habib!)

It's short. It's political. It's me laying in bed, feeling exhausted, and sharing some thoughts about the world and the work we need to do.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

CodeSwitch - an NPR podcast by journalists of color

Sporkful's "Who is this Restaurant For?" series on race and eating out

2 Dope Queens

Sooo Many White Guys

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_135.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:13am EDT

One of the perks of my job is getting a chance to read a lot of books about sex, sexuality, kink, and relationships. Some are terrific, some are OK, but it's always fun to learn new things and take on new perspectives.

I recently had a chance to read Mike Domitrz's new book, "Can I Kiss You?" and one of the things that most delighted me was the fact that the book is simple enough for teens to understand it but deep enough to be relevant for folks who have been married for 3 decades - all while being entirely gender neutral.

So, this week, Mike and I had a lovely talk about consent, respect, rape, sexual assault, dating, hook-ups, why married folks in 40 year marriages need consent as much as teens dating for the first time, and we even roll around in Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh.

Mike's examples are approachable and realistic - it's clear he has dedicated his life to rewriting the rules we have about dating and consent. And while I have had several consent experts on the show over the years, I have a feeling Mike's approach and perspective will really hit home for a lot of you.

ESPECIALLY the parts about interpreting body language incorrectly.

I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed recording this practical and critical interview.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Mike's book, "Can I Kiss You?"

Trevor Noah's piece on Comedy Central on locker room talk

About Mike Domitrz

Mike Domitrz is known for the impact his programs, trainings, and publications have made across the world for parents, teenagers, families, educational institutions, the US military, and the media. You may have seen him as the featured expert on Dateline NBC's "My Kid Would Never Do That."

Today, Mike is one of the leading experts for transforming our sexual culture to one being built on consent and respect – discussing sexual decision-making, asking first, healthy relationships, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors of sexual assault. As the brother of a rape survivor, Mike's mission is personal.

His ability to share powerful emotional moments (both serious and hilariously funny) while giving readers and audiences realistic “How To” SKILLS to implement in their lives is what separates Mike’s message from other experts and authors. Mike is an author with an unique combination of Provocateur and Advocate who captivates readers throughout his books.

You can join the conversation to create a culture of consent and respect at datesafeproject.org. You can also stay in touch with Mike on Facebook, Twitter @DateSafeProject, and Snapchap: mdomitrz.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_134.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EDT

Grab a cup of tea, settle in, and prepare to be amazed. When Kate Lister, creator of Whores of Yore, agreed to come on the show, I did cartwheels.

And it's pretty evident why as you listen to this fascinating and hysterical episode all about the history of sex, porn, and sex work.

Kinky Victorians who loved spankings and piss play? Check.

Medieval monks drawing trees full of dicks and women making strap-ons out of bread to fuck each other? Yep.

From the oldest recorded dildo in history to Kate's research on sexual violence in contemporary media, you will learn more about the history of sex than you ever knew possible, and you'll giggle all the way. Plus, you'll gain a whole new perspective into Game of Thrones!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

An article about Whores of Your in The Daily Dot

About Kate Lister

Dr Kate Lister is a researcher at Leeds Trinity University in historical attitudes to sexuality and sex work. She has published on the history of media narratives around sex work, the history of menstruation and sexual violence in historical dramas.

She is the curator of the popular Twitter account @WhoresofYore where she tweets the history of illicit sex and works to promote sex worker rights and challenge stigma to over 57, 000 followers. Kate is currently working with leading sex worker rights activists and historians to expanded the Twitter feed to a website and online archive that will allow sex workers to tell their stories, and bring sex work history to an even wider audience.

You can also follow along on Instagram @more_whores_of_yore.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_133.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EDT

Sign-up for my live, online anal 101 class! It's October 26th and going to be amazing fun. Learn more and register now.

When I think about my sex educator heroes, Allison Moon is one of the folks who has had a tremendous impact on the way I approach and talk about sexuality and sex. Her own journey through lesbian identity to queer identity is very reminiscent of my own, and her approachable and matter-of-fact methods of talking about sex always inspire.

So, when a pain-filled email came in from a listener who identified herself as A talking about her journey from religious conservative who married young to a sex positive, liberal, queer feminist who feels like her queer identity is suffocating inside a monogamous marriage to a cis hetero man, I knew Allison was the expert I needed to help field this rich discussion.

Her perspective on wanting to dive into our newly discovered identities and ways to make space for a partner who isn't as far along on the journey is absolutely spectacular.

We also talk about tandem threesomes, Hollywood story lines and how lazy the drama is that they cook up, vulvas and masturbation, body awareness, and a ton more.

This chat filled me with joy, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Allison Moon

Allison Moon is the author of the award winning, critically-acclaimed sex-ed book, Girl Sex 101, the Tales of the Pack series of novels about lesbian werewolves, and the sexual memoir, Bad Dyke. As a sex educator, Allison has presented her workshops to thousands of people around the US and Canada.

You can find Allison at www.GirlSex101.com or on Twitter @HeyAllieMoon.

[divider style='left']Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_132.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EDT