Sex Gets Real: Talking Sex, Relationships, and Kink with Dawn Serra

It's just you and me this week. No guest. No interview. Just your questions and emails and me savoring every single one of them.

We're talking transsexual fetish sex, pegging, exploring sex with a partner who is a rape survivor, what it means to be bad at sex, Hollywood myths about how sex should look, and ALL the ways to communicate with the folks we're fucking so that we can all be more successful in the sack.

Don't forget to take the location poll on the homepage of sexgetsreal.com to help me choose the cities I'll visit with my Sex Gets Real tour, too.

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true.

Resources discussed in this episode

"Radical Ecstasy" by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton

"Cyber Infidelity" by Dr. Eve

SpareParts Joque harness - want one? I sell them. Contact me for details.

Ruby Ryder, pegging expert

Sex after rape. There's a great article here and here.

About Dawn Serra

For those of you who have listened for awhile, you know more about my sex life than most people know about their partners, but I figured it was time for a little bio action.

First, you can check out my sex & relationship coaching over at DawnSerra.com.

You can follow me on Twitter @dawn_serra, on Facebook, and over on Instagram, too.

Here's the official word: In a world that makes us feel like we aren’t enough, Dawn Serra is on a mission to rewrite the stories we’re told about sex, relationships, and our bodies.

As a sex coach, sex educator, and fat-bodied trauma survivor, Dawn invites you to drop the shame, get curious, and explore sex on your terms, in whatever form that may take.

Dawn is also the creator of the annual Explore More Summit.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".

You know I love hearing from you, so here's how to reach the show

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Email: info@sexgetsreal.com
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_120.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Have you taken the poll on sexgetsreal.com yet telling me where in the world you are? I want to take this show on the road, but first, I need to know where you are!

This week's chat is one of my favorites. Andre Shakti is an absolute delight. The first time I saw her in person at Sex Down South last year, I was in complete awe. She is this vibrant, powerful force to be reckoned with, and when she said she'd come on the show I was completely tickled.

We dive into sex work, fetish wrestling, porn, and more. One of the things she mentions during our chat is how we do not have any resources in the world on how to be a good consumer of sex work or of porn. She draws an parallel between Julia Roberts and porn performers that is fantastic.

Plus, we talk about the importance of letting go of goals in sex and instead, getting to know your body and celebrating what it's capable of, instead of obsessing over what you wish it could do. 

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

Violet Blue and TinyNibbles.com - resources on ethically produced pornography

About Andre Shakti

Andre Shakti is an educator, producer, activist, and professional slut devoted to normalizing alternative desires, de-stigmatizing sex workers and their clients, and not taking herself too seriously. She wrestles mediocre white men into submission and writes about sex work, queerness and non-monogamy for Cosmopolitan, Harlot, MEL, and more. She can frequently be found marathoning Law & Order: SVU under a chaotic pile of partners and pitbulls, and yes, she knows how problematic that show is.

Follow Andre on Twitter @andreshakti and check out her super sexy website AndreShaktiXXX.com (NSFW).

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".

You know I love hearing from you, so here's how to reach the show

 

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Email: info@sexgetsreal.com
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_119.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Body positivity is something I constantly bring up on the show - not only because it's an important part of my own story, but because I'm constantly getting questions from listeners about their own body shame and struggles.

That's why I am so excited by this unapologetic and energizing look into pole dancing and burlesque with Kaila Prins. Not only did she use both to help her work through an eating disorder, but she has also discovered what it means to be embodied and to live in a deeply consensual place, as a result.

From controlling the gaze of the audience to sharing what it's like to get naked on stage for the first time, we roll around in gender, safe spaces, embracing 'ugly' as a by-product of feeling empowered and attuned to your body, and so so much more.

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, Kaila and Dawn:

  • Dig into the difference between pole dancing and burlesque, or as Kaila does, pole-esque. We also give a nod to the strippers who pioneered the sport - as pole dancing has its roots in sex work.
  • Explore the history of burlesque and how it was largely about parody and having this tongue-in-cheek quality of humor. Now, burlesque is actually neo burlesque  - you can make a political statement or drown yourself in crystals like Dita Von Teese. You name it, there's a way to do burlesque, as long as it still has that element of the tease and controlling the audience.
  • Discuss Kaila's journey to her own self acceptance and sexual awakening through pole dancing and burlesque after a religious upbringing that valued conformity. While some people deny that pole dancing is not sex work when they do it, we also talk about the importance of staying aware of the privilege and understanding where it comes from.
  • Talk about how to be a better consumer of sex work and sexual performances. Also, how can we remove the shame from sexualized spaces like strip clubs?
  • Throw down over sexual trauma and body trauma and the culture we live in that tells us our bodies are unsafe and undesirable places. Plus, we touch on Kaila's eating disorder - what lead to it and how she now manages it through pole dancing and burlesque.
  • Discuss what consent means at a deep, embodied level - including recognizing what parts of your body and experience you DO NOT want to engage with.
  • Dive into how to own the gaze, how to masterfully tease someone with slow movements and delaying the release. It all sounds so yummy.

Resources discussed in this episode

Stripcast: True Stories of a Stripper with a PhD by Lux ATL.

About Kaila Prins

I’m a drag queen trapped in a cis-woman’s body. A ditcher of diet culture—after recovering from EDNOS/orthorexia, exercise addiction, and anorexia. A voiceover actor who is no longer afraid to use her voice. A burlesque and pole performer who found body acceptance and body positivity through dance. A certified health and wellness coach who teaches (and podcasts about) health at every size and discovery, not recovery.

Kaila Prins is Performing Woman, a motivational speaker, workshop leader, wellness coach, and dance teacher.

You can find her at PerformingWoman.com and on Twitter @performingwoman.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Email: info@sexgetsreal.com
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_118.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

A listener question sent me on a quest to find some folks who could share their coming out stories, specifically cis men, and that quest led me to TT Baum. Several colleagues had the most amazing things to say about him, and when we finally connected, I adored his calm energy and beautiful openness.

This episode has so many tender moments - from his coming out story to his thoughts on sex education for youth to his journey to becoming a sacred intimate. I wanted to listen to him talk for hours.

So, settle in and get ready for a great chat with TT Baum.

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

Bondassage

The Body Electric School

About TT Baum

TTBaum is a Sacred Intimate and Sex Educator based in San Francisco. He has been dubbed a pleasure activist and a warrior of love. TT’s path to sexual awakening began over a decade ago. He has refined a powerful style of erotic facilitation that integrates his own sexual research with the teachings of his mentors (among them, Joseph Kramer, PhD., AnnieSprinkle, PhD. and Barbara Carrellas).

TT has a unique approach to supporting clients mastering their own erotic energy.

In his own words:

“As a Sacred Intimate, I have been called to provide my clients with new tools and experiences to awaken into a more satisfying and intimate sexual existence. To this end I see my practice as a Sacred Intimate from a holistic place that requires me to consider the harmony of the entire being: physical, emotional, spiritual and mental.”

Check out TT's website integral-eros.com and follow him on Twitter @integraleros.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_117.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Trigger warning: talk of suicide

From the early days of queer porn to managing sex positive feminist shops to getting internet famous for her epic orgasm quest, Crista Anne - the rainbowiest of rainbow people - joins the show this week.

One of the things I've admired about Crista Anne for so long is her fierce, unapologetic approach to sharing her own struggles. She doesn't hide behind the internet and try to craft a perfect image. Her vulnerability and courage when it comes to her struggles with orgasm and depression caught my attention a while back, and I'm excited she's bringing that spirit to the show this week.

Plus, some of THE funniest quotes we've had on the show in a while.

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, Crista Anne and Dawn:

  • Have to make a little mansplaining joke after reflecting on a time when the internet was actually a nice place rather than a place full of harassment and cruelty.
  • Talk about how masturbation saved Crista Anne's life many times.
  • Roll around in Crista Anne's orgasmquest - her quest to experience orgasm after some anti-depressants made her orgasms go away. The daily regimen she put herself on to reawaken her vulva and clit is amazing.
  • Dig into how the medical community in the U.S. is not sex positive and most people don't know that so many medications (including over the counter stuff like Sudafed) can have sexual side effects. If you're already feeling broken and then your libido drops or you lose your orgasm, it just compounds the bad.
  • Answer a listener question about living with anxiety and trying to find sex partners. On top of that, this listener thinks she might be bisexual, but hasn't been able to work through the anxiety to actually have sex with a woman to find out.
  • Share how they navigate online dating and what they put in their profiles in order to weed out the folks who aren't a good fit, so they can get to people who are interested in what they bring to the table.
  • Field a question from Ily about short girl problems. Her new potential sex partner is very tall with a huge cock, and she doesn't know how to prepare herself for accommodating a big penis. Bottom line - you have have have to get as fully aroused as possible, and then lube and patience.
  • Why the "tight pussy" thing isn't actually a good thing.
  • Explore a listener question about threesomes. He has been asking his wife almost weekly for 20 years and now it's finally going to happen. We talk about how abusive it is to ask anyone to do something every week for many years, but if the wife truly is choosing this for herself, we have thoughts on navigating the minefield.

Resources discussed in this episode

Goodvibes

Tantus toys

About Crista Anne

Crista Anne is a rainbow colored pleasure revolutionary whose work focuses on starting conversations and busting stigmas surrounding the intersections of sexuality, mental illness and sex-positive parenting with her Partner XVO. With 15 years of working in different spheres of sexuality, Crista has been sharing her empowered sexuality online since before the term blog existed. You can find her work at CristaAnne.com and on Twitter @pinkness.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_116.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 10:53am EDT

Are you ready for a mastery level version of Sex Gets Real? Good. Because this week, Sarah Mueller from Smitten Kitten joins the show to share her research on lube, as well as her findings around herpes and STIs.

Did you know some lubes (like KY) actually INCREASE the likelihood of STI transmission because the lube damages your genital tissue? And why does silicone lube damage silicone toys but condoms filled with silicone lube don't?

We also field a question from a listener about bacterial vaginosis, which takes us down the rabbit hole of just how little the medical community knows about this condition as well as STI diagnoses.

This is an episode you'll want to listen to more than once because the information is so damn important. Settle in and prepare yourself!

Psst...did you know you can follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook? It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

Ella Dawson's amazing TED Talk about STIs is a must see.

The Smitten Kitten carries most of the lubes mentioned above plus the She Pack for your vagina.

About Sarah Mueller

Sarah E. Mueller has been a Sex Educator at The Smitten Kitten since May of 2012. After nearly four years at Smitten Kitten Sarah realized personal lubricants are a huge contributor to people’s sexual satisfaction and health, but many struggle to find lubricants without adverse effects. Sarah then began an extensive research project on personal lubricant ingredients, regulations, and interactions with the body.

Currently Sarah is the Lead Research and Education developer at The Smitten Kitten, and is expanding her research and educational offerings to topics from STIs, Cancer Treatment & Sexual Function, Menopause, and Social Justice within Gynecology. Her research has also allowed her to contribute to Allison Moon’s Girl Sex 101, contribute to the lubricant information in Joan Price’s The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty, and she has been interviewed as a Lube Expert on the Sexational Blog, VICE Magazine’s Blog, and Tristan Taormino’s Sex Out Loud Radio Show.

Want to learn more about all of the awesome work Sarah is doing? Follow her on Twitter @sarah_e_mueller or by emailing her at sarah at smittenkittenonline dot com.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_115.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

JoEllen Notte is a sex educator powerhouse - she is revolutionizing the discussion about sex and depression, and also has a beautiful blog all about sex positivity, sex toys, and introversion.

She recently reached out to me and asked if she could come on the show to talk about sex positivity versus sex performativity. Or, as we discuss in this episode, the way sex positive folks often exclude people by their actions and behaviors in a way that makes spaces feel unsafe.

Sex positivity has been an incredible response to our sex negative culture, but it's also just that - a response to the existing paradigm. Not everyone wants to have all the orgies or flirt all of the time, and that gets overlooked a lot.

So in this episode, JoEllen and I have a really frank discussion about some of the ways sex positive communities are failing us, and then we field two listener questions about using inclusive language and not being a creep at sex toy stores when you have questions about sex.

Don't forget: I just revamped my one-on-one coaching packages and spots are filling up. If you need some help around sex, your relationship, and connecting with a loved one, you can check out the new options over on DawnSerra.com.

About JoEllen Notte

JoEllen Notte is a writer, speaker, and mental health advocate who has spent the last 2 years exploring the impact of depression on sex and relationships. Since 2012 she has written about sex, vibrators, mental health, and how none of us are broken on the award-winning RedheadBedhead.com as well as for xoJane, Bitch Media, Daily Dot, AlterNet and Kinkly. She has travelled North America touring the best sex shops in the US and Canada, led workshops on sexual communication, navigating consent, having casual sex kindly, and online dating, and has spoken at length on sex toys but she is happiest and most effective when writing and speaking on behalf of quiet people who have sex– check out her video series on attending conferences as an introvert and extensive work on sex and depression. JoEllen is certified as a sex educator through Planned Parenthood of Massachusetts Sexuality Education Certification Series and has spoken at Clark College, University of Chicago, Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit and the Playground Conference.

You can stay in touch with JoEllen over on Facebook and on Twitter @JoEllenNotte.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_114a.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Elle Chase joins the show this week, and it is such an incredible discussion.

LadyCheeky, Elle's very famous Tumblr, is a resource that I mention regularly on this show. Lady Cheeky is not about getting off, but rather about getting aroused and sitting in those erotic experiences a little longer, savoring the sensual. We dive into the back story that brought her to this point with a world-renowned porn site.

This episode is all about fat sex, fat bodies, and finding your own way to pleasure. Elle's approach to embodied consent is glorious, and her advice to a listener who can't orgasm without a vibrator is definitely worth a listen.

Don't forget: Dawn just revamped her one-on-one coaching packages and spots are filling up. If you need some help around sex, your relationship, and connecting with a loved one, you can check out her programs over on DawnSerra.com

About Elle Chase:

Sex educator and sexuality and body image coach Elle Chase, is a graduate of the comprehensive San Francisco Sex Information, Sex Educator Training Program and a member of the American College of Sexologists. Elle also serves as the Director of Education & Lead Sex Educator at the Los Angeles Academy of Sex Education, which offers pleasure inclusive classes, on sexuality, gender, sexual health and sexual lifestyles. She is also the author of the upcoming book "Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower your Sex Life," due out in January 20, 2017 from Fair Winds Press and as her alter ego Lady Cheeky, is the editor of the smash hit (very) adult coloring book, the #NSFW Totally Naughty Coloring Book by SheVibe.com.

Elle is also the creator, curator & editor of two award-winning and highly trafficked sexuality websites, www.LadyCheeky.com (NSFW) which has been named as the number one site for porn for women, and its companion editorial site www.SmutForSmarties.com which has been L.A. Weekly’s choice for 'Best Sex Blog' since 2013.

Follow Elle on Twitter @TheElleChase and @LadyCheeky (NSFW).

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_113.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS?

The podcast hit half a million downloads last week. So, as a great big thank you, I'm hosting a giveaway and the winner gets an njoy 11 worth $310. Check out the details here. Enter before June 12th!

Also, because it was such a huge week, I wanted to spend a little quality time with you. Despite having so many incredible interviews lined up and ready to go, I really wanted to field a few terrific emails and get cozy with you.

Oh, and be sure to pop over to Kickstarter to check out the new sex game Weapons of Mass Seduction. It looks awesome and inclusive.

In this episode, Dawn:

  • Answers a question from Britt about wanting to toss her husband's salad (aka analingus) but being afraid of poop in her mouth. What can she do?
  • Shares a little confession after audiophile wrote in commenting on some sound issues.
  • Helps a vegan pain slut to track down some delicious and kinky retailers in the U.K. for cruetly-free BDSM gear like floggers, whips, and crops. (Links to all the sites mentioned are down below.)
  • Rolls around in a sweet and vulnerable question from a young listener named DonkeyPunch about his fear that he isn't good enough for his girlfriend, despite her assurance that he is. It's all about trust, vulnerability, insecurity, and staying open even when it's scary.
  • Explores some options for New Cowgirl, who recently tried the reverse cowgirl sex position with her husband and experienced some ouchy pain. Is it her or is something wrong?

Don't forget Dawn just revamped her one-on-one coaching packages and spots are filling up. If you need some help around sex, your relationship, and connecting with a loved one, you can check out her programs over on DawnSerra.com.

Resources discussed in this episode:

Edgeplay

Impact Toys

Ds Whips

Jacks Floggers

Trussed UK

Vegan Kink

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Email: info@sexgetsreal.com
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_112.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Masturbation May. Just a few days left to pop over to our exclusive sale with podcast-approved toys. Treat yourself to something deliciously naughty.

Showtime's new late-night show, Submission, is all about BDSM. We follow Ashley, a woman coming out of yet another sexually unsatisfying relationship, as she begins to explore her desire in the realm of power exchange and BDSM.

Written and directed by Jacky St. James, who has taken the feminist porn world by storm, the show offers us a more complex, empowered, dynamic, and accurate look into the world of pleasure, pain, psychological play, and more.

On this very special episode of Sex Gets Real, I sit down and chat with Jacky St. James and the show's lead actor, Ashlynn Yennie. We talk about how the show came to be, what it was like for porn director Jacky to shoot a mainstream show about sex, and how Ashlynn jumped into this world without any prior experience in kink.

It's hot, and it's about to get even hotter.

Submission airs Thursdays at 11pm ET on Showtime.

In this episode, Jacky, Ashlynn, and I:

  • Discuss what sets Submission apart from 50 Shades of Grey, including the important of having a lead character who chooses this path for herself instead of doing it for someone else.
  • Laugh over cock socks and simulated sex versus porn sex.
  • Explore consent and the role that it played in the creation of Submission. Jacky didn't want a polished version of BDSM, but a more flawed and real look at what BDSM can be.
  • Talk about what it was like on set for the actors who were naked and engaging in actual BDSM for many of the scenes.
  • Tease everyone endlessly with what's coming up next on the show. EPISODE 6! I NEED TO SEE IT.

About Jacky St. James

Jacky St. James is an award-winning writer and director in the adult entertainment industry dubbed by Salon.com as “the Woman Who Conquered Porn.” She’s guest lectured at UCLA, UCSB, and been featured in Slate, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, The Examiner, and many more.

Follow Jacky on Twitter @jackystjames and check out her SUPER sexy site over at missjackystjames.com/.

About Ashlynn Yennie

Ashlynn Yennie grew up in Wyoming and Colorado, she moved to NYC when she was 18 to train at the New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts.

She started her career in commercials and bit parts on soap operas but it was landing the part of Jenny in the cult horror films The Human Centipede 1 & 2 that put her on the map. She has appeared in several other indie film including Fractured, The Scribbler and The Ghost and the Whale as well as on the popular television series NCIS and Undatable. She is starring as Ashley in the new Showtime series SUBMISSION.

You can find Ashlynn on Twitter @ashlynnyennie, Instagram @ashlynn_yennie, and on her website ashlynnyennie.com.

Hearing from you is the best, so here's how to contact the show:

  • Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)
  • Email: info@sexgetsreal.com
  • Contact form: Click here
Direct download: Episode_111.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 8:48am EDT