Sex Gets Real: Talking Sex, Relationships, and Kink with Dawn Serra

First up, I am so excited to announce the Explore More Summit: Bodies Edition. It kicks off December 4th and it's totally free. We'll spend 5 days going super deep into body politics, self acceptance, fat activism, diet culture, weight stigma, and shedding body shame so we can center our pleasure.

To see the line-up and to enroll, pop over to exploremoresummit.com.

Also, I am taking new coaching clients, so if you're at a point where you want to unpack some shame, get unstuck, or ask for some personalized advice, head to dawnserra.com.

This week we are talking about technology, innovation, and sex education. Andrea Barrica is here, the founder of O.School. She has long been in the tech industry, working with the titans in Silicone Valley, and it's clear that the internet is not designed for sex education or for safety.

Andrea is on a mission to change that. She wants people to have a harassment-free, trauma-informed place to access sex education that is real, powerful, and available anywhere in the world.

We talk about all the ways technology is currently failing us, what's next for sex education, and how we can design better solutions that center the most marginalized. This episode will totally scratch your geek side, so dive in!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Andrea Barrica:

Andrea Barrica is CEO/co-founder of O.school, an online shame-free platform for pleasure education, powered by live-streaming and chat to help people unlearn shame, process trauma, and learn about sex and pleasure. Previously, Andrea co-founded YC-backed accounting and tax platform, inDinero.com, where she led sales and operations. She also served as a venture partner and entrepreneur-in-residence at 500 Startups, one of the world’s most active, global seed funds.

Stay in touch with Andrea on LinkedIn and follow along on Twitter at @abarrica and @OschoolLive.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

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Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_186.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 4:00am EST

Your questions have been pouring in. And of course, if you want to practice being the sexpert, folks who support the show on Patreon at $10 get to offer their advice for the show, too.

So, where are we going this week?

Emma has been seeing someone for a few years who keeps disappearing and ignoring her. They have amazing chemistry and great sex, so what can she do about the way he behaves? 

The truth is the way he's behaving is abusive and all about control and manipulation, and not at all about honoring this relationship. I dive into the why and how of what I think Emma should do next.

Maddy and another listener both wrote in recently asking for help about how to raise sex positive kids. I have a bunch of resources to share from books to websites and big concepts that I think set us up for more success as teens and adults. Also, Nadine Thornhill talked about this on episode 109 of the show. Check that out, too.

Because kids and sex is about more than just condoms and STIs. It's about emotional intelligence, resilience, finding your voice, knowing your own body, communicating boundaries and desires, and learning how to survive the awkward. If parents can help kids learn that? They'll be so much better prepared for all the stuff around sex that makes sex so confusing and difficult. Plus, FOCUS ON THE PLEASURE. Talking about pleasure doesn't make kids have the sex. But it does empower them around knowing what they want later in life.

Another listener needs help finding a third for her threesome desires, but she has herpes. How can she find someone who wants to play with her and her boyfriend, and who won't mind her herpes status? Speaking of playing with others, Lindsey and her boyfriend love being watched while they have sex. They've done it once, but they want to do more. Where can they find voyeurs who will enjoy watching them get off?

From Tinder and OK Cupid to exploring local poly groups and play parties, there are loads of options if you're willing to put in a little work and ask for what you want.

Tori is a rape survivor with a long history of less-than-satisfying sex. She's in a new relationship and she's taking it slow, but she needs help around how to disclose her survivor status to her boyfriend. I have lots of thoughts about what it means to share your trauma with someone, and how to explore this space from a place of connection and curiosity rather than one of fear and shame.

Finally, Nathan wants to know how to convince his girlfriend to be his keyholder because he is into chastity devices. Will she even want to?

Once again, the only answer is to ask her, and I explain why.

One last thing - I am putting the finishing touches on a new online workshop all about porn, so stay tuned for that.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Scarleteen.com

Cory Silverberg's books "What Makes a Baby?" and "Sex is a Funny Word"

Anastasia Higginbotham's "Tell Me About Sex, Grandma", "Death is Stupid", and "Divorce is the Worst"

Nadine Thornhill, a sex educator specifically working with parents on teaching their kids about sex. Check out her YouTube, too.

Heather Corinna (founder of Scarleteen) has a book called "S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties"

A great resource for parents about raising kids is John Gottman's "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting"

About Dawn Serra

I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

Direct download: Episode_185.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

This week's show is sponsored by RXBar. You can grab 25% off your first order at rxbar.com/sgr with promo code SGR at checkout. You want to know what's in your lube, and now you can see what's in your snacks!

I am absolutely in love with this week's chat with Dalychia and Rafaella from Afrosexology.

We talk about their mission to bring sexual liberation and agency to the Black community. We explore pleasure and how to center it in our lives, why masturbation is a powerful tool to finding our power, and why it's so important to focus on pleasure in sex education, especially for the Black community and POC.

We also geek out about their spectacular Instagram account filled with beautiful bodies, genders, and erotic acts, all by Black artists.

It's rich, deep, and powerful. Ready to hear it? Let's go...

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Afrosexology:

Afrosexology provides comprehensive pleasure based education centered around the narratives and liberation of Black people. We curate community discussions, educational materials, and sex positive events that cover topics such as: masturbation, self love, enhancing communication in relationships, radical twerking, oral sex, body agency, and much much more. We work with diverse groups including sexuality professionals, community organizations, individuals, parents, youth, spiritual communities, universities, and anyone else who wants to live a sex positive life.

Our mission is to educate, explore, and reclaim Black sexuality by promoting Black self empowerment through sexual liberation. We celebrated our second birthday this summer and are proud to have worked with over 1000 individuals. Afrosexology has created spaces where people feel free to express everything from shame to sexual desires, challenge stereotypes around sexual agency, and build an affirming community around shared experiences. We believe that there is so much to unpack and reclaim when it comes to our bodies and sexuality and we want people to live their most pleasurable lives.

Stay in touch with Afrosexology on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_184.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

Welcome to this week's show! We're talking books, housework & resentment, and cheating.

Oh, and I just started watching Big Mouth on Netflix which is an absurd, bizarre cartoon all about going through puberty. You might want to check it out.

Cadessa wrote in about her non-existent sex life and how listening to the show changed everything.

Sarah has a girlfriend who refuses to help with housework and now she has deep resentment about always being the one to do it or to have to remind her. Is this a silly thing to be angry about? Or is this a big deal? Steph, a Patreon supporter, weighed in with her thoughts, and then I weigh in with mine. We have to remember that emotional labor is so real. When we are treating a partner like a child (either because they refuse to step up and help or because we have control issues), of course our libido is going to take a nose dive. You deserve support, it just depends on what that support looks like.

Julia Callahan is here from Rare Bird Lit to talk about why they publish sex worker stories and why they love centering marginalized voices. They have a new book called Identity that's a photo book and essays all about gender identity. Absolutely worth checking out.

We end this week's episode with a very messy situation sent in by Emily. She's in love and has been with her boyfriend for several years, but she's been cheating endlessly for a few years and doesn't know what to do. Being in a toxic relationship like this isn't good for anyone. Hear my advice to Emily and let me know what you think.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Rare Bird Lit's books can all be found here.

About Julia Callahan

Julia Callahan oversees all aspects of sales, distribution, marketing, and author relations. Prior to joining the Rare Bird team, she worked for four years as Tyson Cornell’s marketing and publicity assistant at Book Soup where she helped coordinate thousands of events each year, notably The Doors’ 40th Anniversary, Ralph Steadman, Tony Curtis, and many others. Before that, she worked as an associate at Paramount Studios on The Dr. Phil Show and Star Trek. She grew up in Santa Cruz and has a BA in English.

You can learn more about Rare Bird at rarebirdbooks.com.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_183.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 11:34am EST

Hello, from New Orleans! Hurricane Nate meant I was stuck in Louisiana for an extra day, but it also meant more time at SisterSong's "Let's Talk About Sex" conference.

I share a little about what that conference brought up for me and then...it's your questions and my answers.

You can see some of the videos from the conference at the show's Patreon page: http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal

You can also see all of the permissions slips folks wrote in my workshop on Twitter if you look at my feed under #LTAS17.

Horny Virgin needs help with navigating safer sex conversations when you're engaging in casual sex. How can HV have sex and feel safe? How do you talk about testing and barriers? And, how do you even have sex? 

Ali wants to know if she kink-shamed a woman she hooked up with after this woman asked to be seriously injured during their sex without any kind of warning or conversation ahead of time. Masochism and consent are important. Not letting someone know you want them to break bones or skin before getting intimate is NOT consensual.

Ash is a 29-year-old virgin who suffers from self-esteem issues because they're overweight and feel like a freak. What can they do to find some confidence, to find partners, especially when people ask them to lose weight? Is there any hope?

I have so so much to say about this one. All the feels.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources mentioned in this episode

Fat activists like Jes Baker, Melissa Toler, Bevin Branlandingham, The Body is Not An Apology

Instagram accounts to check out include: FatWomenOfColorFatGirlFlow, ThickLeeyonce, BlessMayFatHeart, QueerFatFemme

Explore More Summit has several talks on confidence, bodies, fatness.

About Dawn Serra

I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_182.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:20pm EST

An updated Patreon you say? Why yes. Yes it is. Check out the sweet new rewards.

For the past few months, one of my favorite things on Instagram has been Maggie West's gorgeous nude photo series for Amber Rose's Slut Walk. The colors, the confidence, the variety of bodies. So, of course, I had to invite her on because her massive stained glass installation is available today in Los Angeles for Slut Walk.

We talk about art, nudity, her body fluids series which jump started her relationship with Christophe Zeischegg (who was on a few weeks ago). 

Plus, I field a listener question all about being in love with your current girlfriend, but still being a little obsessed with an ex. Is it OK to check up on exes on Facebook, even if you've moved on?

Here we go!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Check out Maggie's Instagram to see some of her amazing work for Slut Walk's 98.

About Maggie West

Maggie West is a Los Angeles based artist specializing in experimental lighting and installation techniques. Her surreal, colorful photographs have been featured in acclaimed publications and sources worldwide.

You can check out Maggie's work and stay in touch on Instagram and Twitter @maggiewest.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_181.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:41am EST

An updated Patreon you say? Why yes. Yes it is. Check out the sweet new rewards (that I can actually deliver).

What happens when two sex educators get together and geek out? You get this spanking new episode featuring Bex Caputo from the Dildorks podcast.

If ever there was an episode that covered all the things, it's this one. We talk about piss play and watersports. We giggle over fisting. We talk about kitten play and puppy play which leads us into talking power exchange and being a good submissive.

But it doesn't stop there. We also talk about the incredible awesomeness that is platonic kink - a thing that way too many people don't know is a thing. Then there's sex labs and practicing sexy stuff before you want it to BE sexy and the stunning advice Bex received when considering going on testosterone.

What if you don't have to wait to be miserable to want to change your body or your gender, your relationship or your job? What if you simply want to be happier? What if joy was enough of a reason?

We're going everywhere, so tune in and join the fun.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Read Bex's Woodhull wrap-up here.

About Bex Caputo

Bex Caputo is a sex educator, blogger, speaker, podcaster, and dildo peddler. They’ve been a proud and undeniable kinkster ever since they insisted on being served their meals in a dog bowl at the age of 8, (and even before that, probably). They’re a Virgo, a Hufflepuff, a pup, and a nonbinary queerdo who grew up into the pop punk skater boy they had a crush on in high school.

Stay in touch with Bex on InstagramTwitter @BexTalksSex.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_180.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

Guess what? LOLA is sponsoring this week's episode. You can get pads, tampons, and liners delivered to you, via their rad subscription service, at 60% off your first order when you subscribe. Just use promo code SGR when you visit mylola.com and get started.

This week it's you and me and all your emails.

But before I answer your questions, let's talk about the Seattle Erotic Film Festival and Dan Savage's HUMP! Festival, both of which I attended this week.

The Seattle Erotic Film Festival had a lot of films that really weren't my cup of tea. Which is OK, but it did tell me a lot about what I enjoy watching and what I don't.

I mentioned "Cake" by Anne Hu, and you can see the trailer here. It was truly delightful. Boner Loaner and How to Date a Couple were also favorites. Oh, and two films with scat play! Color me surprised.

HUMP had a lot more that I enjoyed and laughed over, but I was still bummed that the best sex films were both awarded to thin, young, cis, hetero-presenting couples.

Jnix wrote in wanting to know what the definition of "cis" is. Great question.

Shane not only showers me with love but needs some help with a new girlfriend who is scared of spanking and flogging. What can Shane do? I share my first experience with flogging and how I didn't really enjoy it. But now flogging and spanking are huge parts of the sensation and kink I enjoy.

Marisa is worried that her new love of being restrained might become a problem is she does it too much. Will it stay exciting if she does it a lot or should she try and hold back so it continues to feel special? My thoughts include adopting an attitude of curiosity and wonder - whether we're talking about monogamy, restraints, or anything else in our life.

I also touch on why newness doesn't always have to be the goal, despite what we're constantly sold in this world.

Hopelessly Devoted to Boot is desperately in need of help because his boot fetish is ruining his marriage of 20 years. He needs boots, and while his wife used to accommodate his fetish by wearing boots, more recently she's been refusing to wear the boots he needs for sexual arousal and pleasure. Now their sex is virtually gone. What can he do?

All the thoughts on fetishes, the humanity of our partners, and navigating tough spots in relationships.

Sad Gay Millennial wrote a long, eloquent letter to me about his loneliness, his violations with gay male culture, and his fear of bottoming even though he loves it. I adore that he acknowledges a lack of consent culture and widespread patriarchy which is present in gay male culture. In addition to therapy & professional sexual help, hear my thoughts on how to navigate love, dating, and trauma when you feel alone and totally empty.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources mentioned in this episode

My Sex Map game is only $9 and can help you find new ways to talk about sex. Grab it here.

About Dawn Serra

I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_179.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

What happens when you get a herpes diagnosis? And more importantly, what happens if you begin hiding that you have herpes?

Dr. Sheila Loanzon, an OBGYN who gives amazing PAP smears, is here to talk about her very personal story and new book, "Yes, I Have Herpes."

From advice on how to deal to details about what herpes really is, Dr. Sheila has practical advice as well as powerful personal stories about why she didn't tell her partners about her herpes for many years and what it was like to go back and tell them the truth.

We also talk about why it's so important to work on ourselves if we want healthy relationships, how to set yourself up for a successful PAP smear, tips for trauma survivors and trans folks to find a good doctor, why ALL vulvas are beautiful, and the strangest question Dr. Sheila has ever had from a patient.

You don't want to miss this.

Have you signed up for my Sex is a Social Skill group calls yet? It's a fun online group video chat every 2 weeks where we practice talking about sex, love, and life. Join in the fun and let's level up together. Learn more and enroll here. The next call is today, Sunday, September 17th at 4:00pm Pacific.

Oh! Don't forget: Patreons who support at the $20 level and above get FREE access to the group calls. Of course, you can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sexgetsreal

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Interested in Dr. Sheila's book? Check it out here: "Yes, I Have Herpes"

About Dr. Sheila Loanzon

Dr. Sheila Loanzon, also known as the "Compassionate Gynecologist," is a board certified obstetrician and gynecologist with over 15 years of patient and personal experience with the diagnosis of herpes. Dr. Loanzon offers women specific tools to shift their perspective, gain insight, and move forward confidently and in self-love. Dr. Loanzon received her BA in biochemistry at Vassar College and completed medical school at the College of Osteopathic Medicine of the Pacific. She currently works at a large multispeciality practice in California. You can find her on Twitter @DrSheilaGyn.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_178.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST

How can you thrive as a sex worker, navigating the fact that you have no real safety while also performing erotic fantasies and sex at the same time? How can you care for yourself as clients bring in their pain, shame, and fear and expect you to heal them?

Lola Davina is here to help us answer those questions and more. Her new book, "Thriving in Sex Work," is like a big sister's guide to caring for yourself as a sex worker.

We talk about the unrealistic expectations clients often come in with, being financially responsible, setting boundaries and trusting your gut, creating rituals to celebrate small and big wins, and a whole lot more.

It's fascinating and practical. It's one of my favorite chats, and I think you'll hear why.

Have you signed up for my Sex is a Social Skill group calls yet? It's a fun online group video chat every 2 weeks where we practice talking about sex, love, and life. Join in the fun and let's level up together. Learn more and enroll here. The next call is today, Sunday, September 3rd at 4:00pm Pacific.

Oh! Don't forget: Patreons who support at the $20 level and above get FREE access to the group calls. Of course, you can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sexgetsreal

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Grab Lola Davina's book, "Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry: A Self-Help Book for Sex Workers"

About Lola Davina

Lola Davina has spent more than 25 years in and around the sex industry, working as a stripper, dominatrix, porn actress, and escort over a fifteen-year period. She has earned an M.A. in Human Sexuality and an M.S. in Nonprofit Fundraising, and writes a self-care and wellness column for YNOTcam.com.

You can stay in touch with Lola at loladavina.com, on Facebook, and on Twitter @Lola_Davina.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_177.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EST