Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (health, sexuality)

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Well, Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today

Radical love, resilient community, and never being discarded with Andy Izenson

I am so excited by this week's chat with Andy Izenson. I first saw Andy speak several years ago at a closing panel for Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, and I was in awe. You'll see why when you tune into our rich conversation.

After reaching out to Andy, asking if they'd like to talk about restorative and transformative justice as well as building resilient communities on the show, Andy also said they were thinking a lot about:

-- the way orthodoxies of capitalism and scarcity infuse polyamorous community// polyamory should be inherently anti-capitalist
-- the way the state is conspiring with your trauma
-- disposability and anxiety and the fiction of moral purity
-- resilience and bravery in sex and relationships
-- what even is masculinity anyway

RIGHT?!?!

So, on this week's show, we talk about alternative justice, healing, building resilient relationships and communities, letting go of the fantasy of safety and why there are no good people, plus, we explore the power of anger, question what even is masculinity, and feel moved that the kids really will be alright.

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, Andy and I recorded a bonus chat all about polyamory and how capitalism infuses so much of how folks approach polyamory (especially lots of cis dudes). We talk about generosity and hierarchy and abundance, and why polyamory needs to be much more than just where you're getting your dick (or other bits) wet, as fun as that might be. Listen and support the show at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

This episode is generously brought to you by:

TomboyX - get 15% off your order at tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal with promo code SEXGETSREAL. And check out their drool-worthy Instagram.

Sugar Bear Hair - get your tasty hair vitamins at sugarbearhair.com/sgr

About Andy Izenson:

Andy Izenson is an attorney with Diana Adams Law & Mediation, PLLC, and is a collaborative practitioner, mediator, and passionate advocate, working to reframe conflict through a compassionate and transformative lens. As a member of the National LGBT Bar Association’s Family Law Institute and the National Lawyers Guild NYC Chapter Executive Committee, Andy is tirelessly committed to support for queer community and families as well as to a radical, anti-assimilationist politic.

You can find Andy on Twitter @AndyEyeballs, join the Diana Adams Law newsletter, or email Andy about speaking at your institution at andy.izenson at gmail dot com.

Direct download: Episode_221.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Are you ready to sign up for Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop? Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

A passionate lover. Body trust. Trans sex woes. Self-harm scars.

Hello from Portland! I am here for BeNourished's Reclaiming Body Trust Intensive and it is hitting me hard. I'm still processing so much, and while I talk about the experience a bit this week on the show, I have some REALLY JUICY TIDBITS about trauma, bodies, trust, and healing in the Patreon bonus for the week. If you support the show at $3 and above, you get access to this truly special bonus and all the other bonuses, too. Check it out.

A huge thank you to the two generous sponsors of this week's episode:

TomboyX is gender-neutral, size-inclusive, eco-friendly undies and listeners get 15% off! How? Head to tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal and then use code SEXGETSREAL at check-out for 15% off. THIS COMPANY IS JOY. More please.

Sugar Bear Hair is a delicious hair vitamin that's vegetarian, packed with hair-healthy vitamins, and is allergen free. Want to check it out? Please do - it helps the show. Head to sugarbearhair.com/sgr.

So, what questions am I fielding this week?

PassionateLover shares a story of a new delicious lover who is pleasing her in the most unexpected and hot ways. Yay for folks in bigger bodies finding appreciative and generous lovers!

May has self-harm scars on her body and she wants to know when to bring it up with new partners and how. Is it a first date conversation? Is it something to hold off on? What if they realize she lied about more visible scars?

While I'm not a self-harm expert, I do have some thoughts about how May can tend to herself and be transparent when it feels good for her. Because we never owe someone our medical history and setting boundaries around that is OK.

Ellis has 99 problems and maybe being a transman is one of them. Why are the cis women Ellis is seeing not interested in penetration but then leave Ellis to be in a relationship with a cis dude? Is it bad luck? Is it something else?

Let's explore it.

Finally, Lala wants to know if I miss sleeping with women. Curious to know the answer? Tune in for more.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives.

In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence.

It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_220.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Are you ready to sign up for Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop? Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

Intersex-inclusive language. Resentment in relationships. Questions from YOU!

I am loving answering your questions this summer, and I'm so glad I'm getting a chance to get caught up on the backlog.

Resentment is something that comes up a lot in my coaching practice. People tend to harbor all kinds of resentment without realizing it. A friend recently posted that whenever she feels resentment come up she asks herself, what aren't you saying? 

And it's true - resentment breeds in the spaces where we silence ourselves, where are aren't witnessed and understood or heard and validated. When you're tolerating something, it's the launching pad for resentment. As soon as we stop being generous towards the people in our life, as soon as the little things they've always done start to irritate us or we get passive aggressive, resentment has shown up.

I also wanted to share this AWESOME resource by Interact about intersex-inclusive language. I share a few excerpts on the show, but if you'd like the entire document you can find it here. I also recommend checking out 4intersex.org for more resources on intersex issues and inclusion. Intersex folks are as common as redheads, so we all need to level-up in this space.

Enrique wrote in wondering what cis means and asked for a definition. 

Anonymous wrote in because her boyfriend asks her every single day for anal sex, or at a minimum, hounds her for intercourse as soon as she gets home. The problem is anal sex hurts her badly, she experiences vaginal tearing when they have intercourse, and she wants to cry and avoid going home because of it all. They were each other's firsts and she feels broken. What can she do?

I have big thoughts and big feelings on this one because too many men treat their partners like sex vending machines that owe them access to their bodies in exchange for being in relationship with them. That has got to stop. Sex should never be painful (unless it's intentional and mutually agreed up). Our bodies should tear. We shouldn't fear sex. Lots of thoughts on this one.

Kate wrote in wanting help getting her husband to unpack his fatphobia. After many years together, all of which she's been in a fat body, he recently said some hurtful stuff about her fat body. She is super clear that her body is NOT the problem, which makes my  heart endlessly happy. But what can she do to help him work through the fat shaming?

Truthfully, I think the issue is not at all her body and that he's got something else going on he can't express. That said, we can't make folks change their stories no matter how much we want them to. He has to want it deeply for himself. Tune in for my suggestions for Kate, including Sarah Thompson's blog post which comes out in mid-July 2018 about this very topic. Check it out at resilientfatgoddess.com.

Patreon supporters - I got a new sexy consent game called Consentacle. It's about a human and a tentacled alien finding ways to build trust and engage in mutually satisfying sex. I tried it a few times and share my thoughts, plus a little excerpt from Dr. Lori Brotto's new book on mindfulness and women's desire. Tune in to this week's bonus (and all of the other weekly bonuses) at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal when you support at $3 and above!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.
 

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_219.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 3:41pm EDT

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today for just $37. Ten lessons, ten worksheets, a lifetime of shifting how you feel about boundaries.

Tender masculinity, condom expirations, and your questions answered.

I recently came across an article called "In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man" by terra loire. You know I adore examining the ways gender show up in pop culture and the stories it teaches all of us about how to live our lives - who is failing and who is succeeding. I really love this language around tender masculinity.

So, I share a few tidbits from the article, talk about cultural expectations of toxic masculinity, and invite YOU to share with me other examples of tender masculinity similar to Samwise Gamgee, Rumus Lupin, and Magic Mike XXL. YES, MAGIC MIKE XXL.

A recent conversation came up in my circle about condom expiration dates, and I thought it might be an important thing to share with you, so let's talk about expiration dates and proper condom handling. TREAT YOUR CONDOMS WITH CARE!

Then it's on to listener questions.

Artemis is a trans woman Domme who loves being penetrated, but her submissive just doesn't like doing the penetration because it doesn't feel submissive. What can Artemis do?

I share some thoughts, and recommend going through The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy with her sub to find some middle ground. Plus, Sinclair Sexsmith's Submissive's Playground online course is a must.

Kat wrote in because she keeps seeing people in porn get fucked in the ass and then immediately sucking on the cock that was in their ass. Is it safe? Should you really do that?

Anonymous can't stop fantasizing about pegging her partner, but he has said no. Does she live with the fantasy or does she take action and find a way to peg someone else?

Wonderer is having wonderful sex with a larger dude, and they are looking for more sexual positions that are big body friendly. I cannot recommend Elle Chase's "Curvy Girl Sex" highly enough, plus Hanne Blank's "Big, Big Love" as starting points.

Patreon supporters - This week we are exploring the cult of pussy eaters and how pussy eating is treated by so many men as a MUST DO when so few vulva owners actually get off that way. It stems from a conversation I had with a friend and it made me refer back to this awesome article about the horror of dudes who insist on eating you out. Hear my thoughts (and all of the other weekly bonuses) at http://patreon.com/sexgetsreal when you support at $3 and above!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.
 

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_218.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 8:00am EDT

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Well, Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is now available on demand. Grab your spot today

Nadine is saving comprehensive sex ed

Ontario Canada recently elected a conservative leader named Doug Ford. One of his campaign promises is to roll back the comprehensive sex education program for Ontario schools.

Nadine refuses to let that happen, so she decided to do something about it. Check out her Go Fund Me campaign and donate here.

We talk all about what's in the comprehensive sex ed program and why life-long sex and relationship education is so crucial. What scares people and why do people want to roll it back?

We also talk about why it's important for kids to see adults mess up and do things awkwardly, plus we answer an amazing listener question from Kip about teaching her brother about sex when their parents are fans of abstinence only.

Queer the sex talks! GO KIP!

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, you can listen to this week's bonus all about the Bloomberg Businessweek piece on OneTaste and Orgasmic Meditation plus I read some fun erotica by Rachel Kramer Bussel. patreon.com/sgrpodcast

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Nadine Thornhill:

Nadine Thornhill has been helping families and educators talk to kids about sex for over a decade. She has a Doctor of Education in Child and Adolescent Sexuality and is a member of The Sexuality and Information Council of Canada. When she’s not working, Nadine enjoys adventures in the city with her husband and son, off-key crooning at karaoke, eating great food and watching reality television.

You can find Nadine at NadineThornhill.com. She’s also on Twitter @NadineThornhill and YouTube with awesome videos.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_217.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 1:09pm EDT

Heard about it on the show? The Sex Map game is just $9 and can be purchased here.

Your questions. Answered.

Katie has a new fat fling. She really likes him, but he talks about diets and weight loss a lot. She's been learning about diet culture, health at every size, and fact activism, so she needs help on how to set some boundaries with him to prevent discussions about the very things she's trying to overcome.

Loving Husband has lost his sex drive. On top of that, his wife only wants sex in the missionary position, and he feels so bored and uninspired by the sex they do have. Could that have an impact on his sex drive? And how can he talk to his wife about making things more interesting?

A listener from a previous episode was very angry with my response and sent several angry, pissy emails to me as a result. So I take a few minutes to talk about my process and how grateful I am for the generosity and kindness most of you extend to me.

Jake's girlfriend thinks masturbation and porn constitute cheating. But Jake really loves masturbating and he doesn't know how to talk her about his desire to have a sexual relationship with himself. Is it cheating? And what does he need to do to set their pending marriage up for success?

AnaBanana was ghosted, but not before the guy who ghosted her kept a bunch of her BDSM toys. She's asked for them back and hasn't gotten a response. Should she keep pursuing them or are they a lost cause?

Patreon supporters - I dive into the recent story of Chloe Dykstra coming out about the emotional and sexual abuse her ex Chris Hardwick subjected her to, plus some of the responses nerd culture is having to the story. Hear my thoughts (and all of the other weekly bonuses) at patreon.com/sgrpodcast when you support at $3 and above!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives.

In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence.

It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_216.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Guess what? I'm still in China. Because if you're going to travel halfway around the world, you want to stay a bit. Here is a yummy Pride-related replay of my fantastic chat with Riley J Dennis.

Riley J Dennis is someone I’ve been watching on YouTube for a little while and completely admiring. I adore her passion for anti-oppressive work, talking about feminism, politics, sex, trans issues, and a bunch more. So, I decided to reach out and invite her on the show. When she said yes, I immediately went to work watching as many of her YouTube videos as I could find. Some of the most fun homework because I spent hours geeking out over the topics and rolling around in her facts and super logical approach to things that a lot of people really hate.

We not only talk about trans identity policing, trans porn, and being visible online, but we also explore what it’s like to be so hated in the online space and why Riley’s sex toy video for trans folks completely melted my heart. It’s super fun and I can’t wait for you to hear it. Oh!

Don’t forget: Patreons who support at the $3 level and above get access to weekly bonus content – extra interviews, erotica readings, and much more.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Riley J. Dennis

Riley J. Dennis is a trans, non-binary, gay, polyamorous woman who makes YouTube videos about intersectional feminism, politics, queer stuff, and a whole lot of other topics. She thinks all TV shows and movies should be gayer. You can follow her on FacebookInstagram, and Twitter @rileyjaydennis.

Direct download: Replay_Episode_173.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

I'm in China on vacation, so this week we are replaying a popular episode from the past. This one is Lola Davina on thriving in sex work since it was International Whores' Day on June 2nd.

How can you thrive as a sex worker, navigating the fact that you have no real safety while also performing erotic fantasies and sex at the same time? How can you care for yourself as clients bring in their pain, shame, and fear and expect you to heal them? 

Lola Davina is here to help us answer those questions and more. Her new book, “Thriving in Sex Work,” is like a big sister’s guide to caring for yourself as a sex worker. 

We talk about the unrealistic expectations clients often come in with, being financially responsible, setting boundaries and trusting your gut, creating rituals to celebrate small and big wins, and a whole lot more.  It’s fascinating and practical. It’s one of my favorite chats, and I think you’ll hear why.  

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.  

Resources from this episode

Grab Lola Davina’s book, “Thriving in Sex Work: Heartfelt Advice for Staying Sane in the Sex Industry: A Self-Help Book for Sex Workers” 

About Lola Davina

Lola Davina has spent more than 25 years in and around the sex industry, working as a stripper, dominatrix, porn actress, and escort over a fifteen-year period. She has earned an M.A. in Human Sexuality and an M.S. in Nonprofit Fundraising, and writes a self-care and wellness column for YNOTcam.com

You can stay in touch with Lola at loladavina.com, on Facebook, and on Twitter @Lola_Davina

Direct download: Replay_Episode_177.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 5:00am EDT

Do you struggle to say no without over-explaining? Do you feel hurt when people you love set boundaries that disappoint you? Are you looking for ways to stop apologizing and to start taking up more space? Well, Take Up Space, my online boundaries workshop, is releasing soon. Grab your spot today

What if honesty isn't the best policy for rebuilding trust?

Shadeen Francis recently spoke at Explore More Summit, and her talk was one of the fan favorites for the entire conference. Her formula for trust challenged many and offered new language and feelings of YES! That's it!

So, in this episode, Shadeen shares all about how she became a therapist, why sex is crucial for our well-being, how Shadeen's relationship with self feeds her erotic experiences and how it ties to the work she does, and then we dive into relationships.

We talk about trust, the difference between honesty and transparency, negotiating boundaries, tolerating uncomfortable feelings, and then we field a listener question from Lost Lonnie who is worried that their obsession with cheating is more about a fear of commitment.

Patreon supporters - If you support the show at the $3 level and above, you can listen to this week's bonus which includes Shadeen and I talk about toxic relationship behaviors, control, and how to shift your relationship scorekeeping into something playful and productive. patreon.com/sgrpodcast

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Shadeen Francis:

Shadeen Francis, MFT is a marriage and family therapist, professor, and author specializing in sex therapy and social justice. Shadeen has been featured on platforms like 6-ABC, the New York Times, and the Huffington Post to share her expertise, and she also speaks internationally on topics such as sexual self-esteem, intimacy, and inclusivity. Shadeen’s belief is that the world is built on the strengths of communities. This worldview has propelled her to focus on underserved populations: ethnic and cultural minorities, the kinky/poly/queer communities, and victims of economic hardship. Her work allows people of all backgrounds to improve their relationships and live in peace and pleasure.

Stay in touch with Shadeen at shadeenfrancis.com and on Twitter @shadeenfrancis.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_215.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EDT

Three links to get you started:

  1. Ready to pre-order my boundaries workshop? Check out details for "Take Up Space: A Workshop on Boundaries, Self-Worth, & Strengthening Your Relationship With Self"
  2. Want free feminist porn? Enter this week's giveaway here. Deadline is Saturday, May 27th.
  3. The Sex Map game is just $9 and can be purchased here.

Your questions. Answered.

Bug has a funny sex toy story and wanted to share it. Beware of Pop My Cherry, folks.

Regis looked up the definition of orgasm and it includes anal contractions. Regis' ex did it when she came, but their current partner's ass doesn't visibly spasm. Aren't they orgasming? Isn't this a tell-tale sign?

NO. It is not. Find out why.

Also, be sure to check out Emily Nagoski's new TED talk (on the big stage!) all about why body cues might not be the best way to tell what's going on with a partner.

Christina's husband only gives her sex once per week. She is over it. What can she do? Why won't he fuck her but then why does he tease her with kisses and touches?

There's some toxic behaviors at play here, so tune in for my advice.

Sarah wants to know more about my sex life, so I field a few questions about my likes and dislikes. (And reveal much more in the bonus content for Patreon supporters, so pop over to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to hear it. Supporters are $3 and above get access!

KZ wrote in wondering if it's unusual to have a foot fetish. KZ loves feet and has trouble staying aroused if a partner doesn't have attractive feet. Is that weird?

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives.

In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence.

It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

Direct download: Episode_214.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 10:48pm EDT