Sex Gets Real: Talking Sex, Relationships, and Kink with Dawn Serra (health, sexuality)

Hello, from Salt Lake City!

Thanks for all of the feedback on last week's episode, post-election. So many of you had so many thoughtful and kind things to say. I appreciate it more than you know.

This week, I field questions about sissification and being a masculine dude who loves feminine things, a gay guy who is having his first vulva sex in a few days, and a listener who is deeply ashamed of her vulva appearance.

What makes a super skilled sexual partner so good at sex? Why are gender norms so deeply ingrained in our experiences?

It's a fun week and I'm so glad to be rolling around in all of your questions and comments after a few weeks of chaos and moving.

Also, YOUR GENITALS ARE NORMAL AND AMAZING. I had to get that off my chest.

Make sure you're on the newsletter list, too, because I have some free online talks and a few workshops coming up.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Femalia by Joani Blank - a picture book of vulvas

What Privilege Really Means on EverydayFeminism.com

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Direct download: Episode_136.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 12:00pm EST

What a week. Between moving from DC to Salt Lake City and the U.S. election, I've had so many big emotions and huge feels.

This week's episode is a little different. It's not everyday we have an election and a public response like the one that happened a few days ago. So, instead of a big interview or an hour of answer questions, this week is a short, vulnerable little note from me to you about the world we live in.

Specifically, how our sexual freedom and the way we love and do relationship is so deeply tied to racism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, and all systems of oppression. (Shout out to Conner Habib!)

It's short. It's political. It's me laying in bed, feeling exhausted, and sharing some thoughts about the world and the work we need to do.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

CodeSwitch - an NPR podcast by journalists of color

Sporkful's "Who is this Restaurant For?" series on race and eating out

2 Dope Queens

Sooo Many White Guys

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

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  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_135.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:13am EST

One of the perks of my job is getting a chance to read a lot of books about sex, sexuality, kink, and relationships. Some are terrific, some are OK, but it's always fun to learn new things and take on new perspectives.

I recently had a chance to read Mike Domitrz's new book, "Can I Kiss You?" and one of the things that most delighted me was the fact that the book is simple enough for teens to understand it but deep enough to be relevant for folks who have been married for 3 decades - all while being entirely gender neutral.

So, this week, Mike and I had a lovely talk about consent, respect, rape, sexual assault, dating, hook-ups, why married folks in 40 year marriages need consent as much as teens dating for the first time, and we even roll around in Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh.

Mike's examples are approachable and realistic - it's clear he has dedicated his life to rewriting the rules we have about dating and consent. And while I have had several consent experts on the show over the years, I have a feeling Mike's approach and perspective will really hit home for a lot of you.

ESPECIALLY the parts about interpreting body language incorrectly.

I hope you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed recording this practical and critical interview.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

Mike's book, "Can I Kiss You?"

Trevor Noah's piece on Comedy Central on locker room talk

About Mike Domitrz

Mike Domitrz is known for the impact his programs, trainings, and publications have made across the world for parents, teenagers, families, educational institutions, the US military, and the media. You may have seen him as the featured expert on Dateline NBC's "My Kid Would Never Do That."

Today, Mike is one of the leading experts for transforming our sexual culture to one being built on consent and respect – discussing sexual decision-making, asking first, healthy relationships, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors of sexual assault. As the brother of a rape survivor, Mike's mission is personal.

His ability to share powerful emotional moments (both serious and hilariously funny) while giving readers and audiences realistic “How To” SKILLS to implement in their lives is what separates Mike’s message from other experts and authors. Mike is an author with an unique combination of Provocateur and Advocate who captivates readers throughout his books.

You can join the conversation to create a culture of consent and respect at datesafeproject.org. You can also stay in touch with Mike on Facebook, Twitter @DateSafeProject, and Snapchap: mdomitrz.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_134.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST

Grab a cup of tea, settle in, and prepare to be amazed. When Kate Lister, creator of Whores of Yore, agreed to come on the show, I did cartwheels.

And it's pretty evident why as you listen to this fascinating and hysterical episode all about the history of sex, porn, and sex work.

Kinky Victorians who loved spankings and piss play? Check.

Medieval monks drawing trees full of dicks and women making strap-ons out of bread to fuck each other? Yep.

From the oldest recorded dildo in history to Kate's research on sexual violence in contemporary media, you will learn more about the history of sex than you ever knew possible, and you'll giggle all the way. Plus, you'll gain a whole new perspective into Game of Thrones!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources from this episode

An article about Whores of Your in The Daily Dot

About Kate Lister

Dr Kate Lister is a researcher at Leeds Trinity University in historical attitudes to sexuality and sex work. She has published on the history of media narratives around sex work, the history of menstruation and sexual violence in historical dramas.

She is the curator of the popular Twitter account @WhoresofYore where she tweets the history of illicit sex and works to promote sex worker rights and challenge stigma to over 57, 000 followers. Kate is currently working with leading sex worker rights activists and historians to expanded the Twitter feed to a website and online archive that will allow sex workers to tell their stories, and bring sex work history to an even wider audience.

You can also follow along on Instagram @more_whores_of_yore.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_133.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST

Sign-up for my live, online anal 101 class! It's October 26th and going to be amazing fun. Learn more and register now.

When I think about my sex educator heroes, Allison Moon is one of the folks who has had a tremendous impact on the way I approach and talk about sexuality and sex. Her own journey through lesbian identity to queer identity is very reminiscent of my own, and her approachable and matter-of-fact methods of talking about sex always inspire.

So, when a pain-filled email came in from a listener who identified herself as A talking about her journey from religious conservative who married young to a sex positive, liberal, queer feminist who feels like her queer identity is suffocating inside a monogamous marriage to a cis hetero man, I knew Allison was the expert I needed to help field this rich discussion.

Her perspective on wanting to dive into our newly discovered identities and ways to make space for a partner who isn't as far along on the journey is absolutely spectacular.

We also talk about tandem threesomes, Hollywood story lines and how lazy the drama is that they cook up, vulvas and masturbation, body awareness, and a ton more.

This chat filled me with joy, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Allison Moon

Allison Moon is the author of the award winning, critically-acclaimed sex-ed book, Girl Sex 101, the Tales of the Pack series of novels about lesbian werewolves, and the sexual memoir, Bad Dyke. As a sex educator, Allison has presented her workshops to thousands of people around the US and Canada.

You can find Allison at www.GirlSex101.com or on Twitter @HeyAllieMoon.

[divider style='left']Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_132.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST

Sign-up for my live, online anal 101 class! It's October 26th and going to be amazing fun. Learn more and register now.

I'm sure you heard on last week's show, but I'm reminding you again. I want YOUR voice as part of the new podcast intro. All you have you to do is call 747-444-1840 and say "You're listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra." BOOM!

This week is a fun chat with The Butters All Natural Lube creator and sex educator Jerome Stuart Nichols. We talk about lube and creating your own sex stuff, being a sex educator, STIs, and we answer two listeners questions.

One of those questions absolutely broke my heart, so I was very thrilled Jerome could join me to help field it - how can a Black man with a smaller penis ever hope to find confidence and a lover who is pleased with is body? The racial stereotypes about penis size and the masculinity myths we are all drowning in can create a toxic situation for so many of us. 

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Jerome Stuart Nichols

Jerome Stuart Nichols is the creator of LTASEX.com and The Butters All-Natural Lubricant, among other things. His overarching goal is to help people live better, sex better, and love better. He enjoys a wide variety of geekery, creative ventures, and bending a willing submissive boy over his knee.
 
You can also find Jerome (and The Butters) at jeromestuartnichols.com, on YouTube, and Twitter.
 

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_131.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:04am EST

Ready for that online anal workshop? Head to sexgetsreal.com/butts to check it out and sign-up.

Marcia Baczynski, creator of the Good Girl Recovery Program and co-founder of Cuddle Party, is here this week, and there were SOOO many nuggets of inspiration and amazing suggestions that I had a hard time not quoting the entire thing in my notes.

We talk about asking for what we want in bed, setting boundaries, saying no gracefully so you're clear without being cruel, and how your happiness is being compromised by all of the things you're tolerating. We also field listener questions about rape fantasies and Marcia gives the most amazing advice to people who are about to try their first swinger party or sex party.

Get your notebook handy and share this episode with a friend. It's full of incredible wisdom that you'll want to hear again and again.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Marcia Baczynski

Marcia Baczynski is a internationally recognized expert on sexual communication, who works to provide people with practical tools to create extraordinary relationships. Her primary mission is to help people overcome shame and get in touch with what they truly want — romantically, sexually and relationally — even if it’s off the beaten path.

As co-founder of Cuddle Party, she has empowered tens of thousands of people to speak up for the kind of touch they way, say No unapologetically, and foster more connected, affectionate relationships. Her popular virtual course, The Good Girl Recovery Program, helps women to break out of the roles that keep them small and unsatisfied, and move into being more of who they are in all areas of their lives.

Marcia is a sought-after presenter and coach,and she has made hundreds of media appearances across the globe, including The Montel Williams Show,  NPR, the Washington Post, GQ, Marie Claire, People and Newsweek, to name just a few.  Marcia brings wisdom, humor, and creativity to all aspects of her work, and offers a fresh perspective on love, sex and relationships.

You can find her online at AskingForWhatYouWant.com, as well as on Facebook and Twitter @AskMarciaB.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_130.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST

This week is a little different from the normal show. 

First up, I field a few listener questions about finding out you may have herpes and hepatitis C after a partner cheated and how to become a sex educator. NRE isn't only for relationships - we can also get high on our dreams and take huge risks when we're caught up in the excitement and desire.

Then, the tables are flipped and I get interviewed by Parijat Deshpande about navigating sex and connection when you have a physical situation like a high-risk pregnancy where intercourse is off the table for a period of time.

It's a fun chat that has lots of great information that can apply to chronic illness or post-surgery situations, even though we're specifically talking about pregnancy.

I offer lots of script examples to help having difficult conversations, so grab a notepad and jot down some notes on how to have those conversations.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra

For those of you who have listened for awhile, you know more about my sex life than most people know about their partners, but I figured it was time for a little bio action.

First, you can check out my sex & relationship coaching over at DawnSerra.com.

You can follow me on Twitter @dawn_serra, on Facebook, and over on Instagram, too.

Here’s the official word: In a world that makes us feel like we aren’t enough, Dawn Serra is on a mission to rewrite the stories we’re told about sex, relationships, and our bodies.

As a sex coach, sex educator, and fat-bodied trauma survivor, Dawn invites you to drop the shame, get curious, and explore sex on your terms, in whatever form that may take.

Dawn is also the creator of the annual Explore More Summit.

About Parijat Deshpande

Parijat Deshpande is the leading perinatal wellness expert who specializes in working with women during a high-risk pregnancy. She educates and guides women on how to manage their stress and anxiety so they can have healthier pregnancies, decrease their risk of preterm birth and give their baby a healthy start to life. Parijat received her Bachelor's of Science degree in Psychology with High Honors from University of California, Berkeley, after which she earned her Masters' of Science degree in Clinical Psychology from San Francisco State University. She is a clinically trained therapist, a women’s wellness expert and a sought-after speaker on the impact of stress on health and wellness. She has over 4 years of experience as a Psychology Lecturer UC Berkeley and is the founder of MySahana, a South Asian mental health nonprofit. Parijat is also a certified wellness coach, a certified stress management coach and a certified marriage educator.

You can find Parijat at parijatdeshpande.com and on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_129.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 9:35am EST

Erotica has played a significant role in my own sexual exploration and development - from teaching me about my own desires and fantasies to understanding the depth of other people's sexual landscapes. It's a yummy and delicious space to play in.

That's why I'm so excited to be joined by Rachel Kramer Bussel this week, who has edited over 60 erotica books and who currently has 2 open calls for submissions. So listeners - if you are at all interested in getting some erotica published, take a look at the links down below.

Rachel talks about what makes for good erotica, how we can use erotica to not only arouse but to heal, ways to make erotica political and transformative, and all the ways she wants to challenge the narrative around conventional beauty in the stories she writes. Where are the fat men and the bald men and the short men and the body diversity?

We even talk about necrophilia, which may be a first for the show. 

Plus, Rachel teases us with a few minutes from an erotic story called "Starstruck" by Lazuli Jones, so settle in and get ready to get excited about all things erotica.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

Rachel's "I Want To Hold Your Hand" (about a woman who wishes her husband hadn't lost weight)

Grab your copy of Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 1

Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 3 call for submissions

The Big Book of Submission, Volume 2 call for submission

Rachel's LitReactor Class starting in February

In or near L.A.? Check out Rachel's Erotica Writing 101 Workshop in January.

About Rachel Kramer Bussel

Rachel Kramer Bussel (rachelkramerbussel.com) writes essays and articles about sex, dating, books, pop culture, feminism and body image for publications including The New York Times, The Washington Post, Elle.com and Salon. She's edited over 60 anthologies, including Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica, The Big Book of Orgasms, Cheeky Spanking Stories, Dirty Dates and is Best Women's Erotica of the Year series editor. She teaches erotica writing workshops across the country at colleges, conferences and sex toy stores as well as online via LitReactor.com.

Find out more at her blog Lusty Lady or EroticaWriting101.com and follow her @raquelita on Twitter.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_128.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST

Sinclair Sexsmith (you might know them as Sugarbutch) is here this week and we are talking ALL about kink, BDSM, and power dynamics.

We take a look at Sinclair's journey from submissive to Top to Dominant to Daddy and Master. What is it like to live in a 24/7 Master slave dynamic? How can people learn more?

We also discuss using BDSM to heal trauma and depression - it's a fine line, but it can be a powerful practice. Plus, what is Submissive Playground? Sinclair shares the details. I am so excited to share this chat with you, so settle in and let's do this.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It's true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

"My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday

"Slavecraft" by a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin

"Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers about Master/Slave Relationships" by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

About Sinclair Sexsmith

Sinclair Sexsmith is "the best-known butch erotica writer whose kinky, groundbreaking stories have turned on countless queer women" (AfterEllen), who "is in all the books, wins all the awards, speaks at all the panels and readings, knows all the stuff, and writes for all the places" (Autostraddle). ​Their short story collection, Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica, was a 2016 finalist for the Lambda Literary Award.Sinclair leads the 8-week online ecourse Submissive Playground (submissiveplayground.com) annually, where there is no wrong way to be submissive They identify as a white genderqueer butch dominant, a survivor and an introvert, and use the pronouns they, them, theirs, themself. Follow all their writings at patreon.com/mrsexsmith.

You can also follow Sinclair on Twitter @mrsexsmith, Facebook, Fetlife, and Instagram.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

  1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
  2. Check us out on Stitcher
  3. Don't forget about I Heart Radio's Spreaker
  4. Pop over to Google Play
  5. Use the player at the top of this page.
  6. Now available on Spotify. Search for "sex gets real".
  7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Call or text: 747-444-1840 (standard messaging rates apply)

Contact form: Click here (and it's anonymous)

Direct download: Episode_127.mp3
Category:Health, Sexuality -- posted at: 6:00am EST